There are a few stories that people have bought into that have a lot to do with crumbling marriages all around us.
I’m going to share them with you today in the hopes that you can embrace your truth over these myths and start living a more fulfilling life in love.
There’s this belief that in order to be strong, we have to go it alone. We have to be totally independent. We needn’t need others or we’ll be too needy.
That’s a lie.
We are interdependent.
As social mammals we are born totally dependent on others to survive. Not just physically, but emotionally as well.
Yet so many people bite their tongues, try to sweep such needs under the rug, fearing that they’ll be seen as too “needy” or “co-dependent,” yet doing damage in the their relationship all the while.
(Just check out this recent article, then come back here to learn the other lies.)
Only until we acknowledge that we need each other and starting OWNING that can we create strong ties to one another. Strong relationships ultimately give us the strength we need to stand even taller as individuals.
If you feel the need to connect, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. It’s because you’re human.
So go out there and connect, deeply, and stop denying that need.
Whatever you do, don’t feel badly about it, it’s part of who you are, and that connection makes you even better.
Lie #2: The myth that cognition is king
Our emotions, in the words of one of my heroes Sue Johnson, are the music in the dance of relationships.
I would go so far to say that our emotions are the music in the dance of our lives.
Since Descarte proclaimed “I think therefore I am,” we’ve seen a split between mind and body, humans and the planet, with our thoughts trumping everything else.
Emotions have become regarded as the lesser evolved, lesser regarded step-child.
They are largely responsible for decisions we make and why we do what we do.
Yet because of this lie that our thoughts trump the rest of our experience, so many people have grown out of touch with their emotional experience.
As a result, they are not emotionally aware, and therefore can’t be emotionally honest with each other.
Raw, vulnerable feelings about the need for connection are expressed as negative, hostile reactions or don’t get expressed at all.
We then see cycles of escalating negativity that develop between couples, pulling them further and further apart.
What do you do then?
Shut off your distractions, slow down, and get honest with yourself.
Ask yourself, what’s really going on? What am I really feeling?
Here’s a clue: if you’re in one of those blood boiling arguments with your partner and you feel like you can’t connect? You may be reacting to some feeling or fear of abandonment or rejection, both are innate fears we have that represent disconnection from others, and on a biological level, are a threat to our survival.
Is that what’s going on?
Get honest about it, and tap into that primary emotion you may be feeling.
This is easier said than done and may be impossible to do initially without the help from someone else (remember, we ARE wired to connect).
If you are feeling sad or scared underneath frustration or anger that you are showing your partner, show your partner your true feelings of fear or sadness.
Those vulnerable feelings are a lot easier for your partner to respond to than your critical hostility, right?
Lie #3: There’s no magic in the ordinary
This isn’t so much of a lie but a consumeristic trend that dictates we need the shiniest new object for true fulfillment.
What about stopping for a second and slowing down and being grateful for all we have?
Your partner, especially?
Remembering that the person you are facing so much conflict with was once your dream come true?
Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship, and there won’t be an end. – Tony Robbins
Find the magic in the ordinary, even if it is your partner.
Train yourself to be grateful for the quirks that you once loved that now might piss you off.
Focus on the good, and you’ll likely see more of it, and your partner will mirror that back to you.
I’m sure there are other lies, but those are the ones I wanted to share with you today.
Let me know in the comments what you’ve overcome to create your best relationship.
To thriving in business and love,