People – mostly women – get in touch with me all the time because they desperately want to start couples therapy or coaching but their partners just won’t go. Today I’ll be discussing 3 steps to get your partner sold on couples therapy or coaching.
Step 1: Be Careful with the When and How
If you’re like most people trying to get your partner to join you for couples therapy or coaching, you are most likely frustrated with your relationship and with your partner. You don’t know what else to do. So you get mad and you say, “we need serious help.”
Bad move.
It’s very important when and how you bring up the idea of going to couples therapy or coaching.
Getting angry at your partner isn’t going to help him want to engage in couples therapy or coaching with you. It will probably cause him to pull away and hide from you even more. (If you missed my recent post on how to get your partner to open up, check it out here.)
Don’t even think of bringing up the idea of getting help with him in the middle of a fight. And don’t do it in angry (even if you are angry beyond belief).
Instead, find a time when you’re getting along. From a loving place that won’t feel threatening to him, let him know that you cherish times like this when you get along. Tell him you want more of these times. Let him know how much you value your relationship and want it to be better.
Make sure you are feeling calm when you tell him this. If you can even allow yourself to get a little vulnerable with him, letting him into your fears that the two of you will never be able to figure it out, your chances of him hearing you will be even higher.
Check yourself
It’s hard to really be vulnerable when your relationship is strained. Even if you *think* you are being vulnerable, you may still feel frustrated and sound a little hostile. Check yourself before opening your mouth.
You are taking a big risk by wearing your heart on your sleeve and he may still reject the idea, but it’s worth everything you have to save your relationship.
Step 2: Own Up To Your Part of the Problem
You may feel that the problems in your relationship are really his fault, but I can assure you, they probably aren’t.
Let’s face it, it takes two to tango. And you are half of this relationship.
Even if you can’t believe me that you have something to do with the problems in your relationship, act as if you do.
I’m telling you this so that your partner won’t think that you are hoping to get him to therapy so that he’ll shape up and you’ll just stay the same. Whether you like it or not, you will be a large part of the process.
If you’re the one who wants to go to therapy or coaching, my bet is that you might have the tendency to be a little critical. In fact, your partner might feel constantly criticized by you. The last thing he wants to do is go to therapy with you so that he will be told not only by you but by the therapist that he’s wrong (even though that’s not how it works).
The thing is, your partner is probably scared of you.
And couples therapy or coaching probably feels like a boxing ring to him where he’s guaranteed to face a Total Knock Out.
So if you come from a vulnerable place in telling him of your fears and hopes for the two of you, he’s going to be more likely to hear you. If he learns that you aren’t just a tough boxer ready to fight him, but your hands are actually trembling scared underneath those gloves, he’ll be less afraid of you.
If you own up to your problematic behavior in your relationship, he’ll be less likely to think it’s going to be all about him.
You can let him know that you don’t want to be angry all the time and want to share more of this genuine experience of yourself with him, but that you need his help. You can acknowledge the ways that you act that you are less than proud of, and let him know that you want to treat him better.
Step 3: Educate & Appreciate
Once you let him know where you’re coming from and that you are interested in couples therapy or coaching because you value him and your relationship so much, you need to educate him a little bit on what to expect.
Don’t fret if you yourself don’t know what to expect yourself. That’s why you’re reading this! I’m going to cover the basics of what you can tell him now.
- Tell your partner that the professional is not going to take sides. Good couples therapists or coaches generally don’t do that.
- Tell him that you want to go there to learn ways you can treat him better.
- Make sure he knows that you aren’t suggesting meeting with a third party so that you can break up with him.
- Let him know that couples therapy or coaching doesn’t have to take forever. Depending on your situation and what kind of therapist you see, you can achieve great results in just a few months.
- And finally, make sure he knows that you don’t have to be crazy to go to therapy. People who go to therapy are generally strong, proactive constructors of their own reality – and couples who go to couples therapy are simply getting a little help in creating their best relationships.
And let him know about the results that he can expect by going to therapy with you. Here are just a few:
- improved communication
- feeling understood
- improved sleep
- improved mood
- better and more frequent sex
- more confidence, decreased stress
- improved performance at work
- better physical health
- finally being able to connect to each other again
Lastly, make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him, especially if he agrees to go.
Ask him what you can do to for him to express your appreciation, whether it’s going to that horrible movie with him that he wants to see, cooking him dinner each night for a week, or something else all together.
I hope this helps. More importantly, I hope it works.
Need to take baby steps?
Check out my book, Your Best Love: The Couple’s Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship, especially written for couples who are ready to create a stronger relationship but dread the thought of couples counseling or coaching.
Cheers to your best relationship,
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You forgot one thing: asking why he (or she) doesn’t want to see a counselor (and working with him on that). If, for instance, they had a really bad experience with one (or more than one), then none of these tactics you suggested will work.
Tembo – thanks for pointing this out – you’re absolutely right that I forgot that part! That’s a great addition, and thank you.
Well I definitely did not approach counseling again very gently. I’m wife number 3, and from his point of view the craziest one of all. We’ve been through counseling at church we’ve been to other forms of Christian counseling I have recently found one last attempt at couple therapy but he’s refusing to go because they’re not a psychiatrist. I don’t understand that. I can admit that I have anxiety and battle it tremendously. When my life is instantly thrown upside down I don’t handle it well and I tend to get very upset at the situation. I do come back and apologize although I know I need to do even better. He says he has no problem except me. Is it a lost cause?
Kammie – thanks for your question. I respond in this video – I hope it’s helpful. I wish you the best of luck with this. Another thought, to ask him to get on the phone with someone after you speak with them – that could be a first step.
Hi
I walked out of my marriage because my wife would not have
Anything to do with me.
She kept going out alone with her friends two and three
Times a week and coming home late at two and three in the
Morning,
We have a nine year old son.
I ask her to go to counciling she says no,
And she is not giving up her friends,,,
I want the marriage but what to do now?
Hi George,
I think it’s great that you’re willing to go to counseling. My best advice is to find a good couples therapist and see them by yourself. I strongly recommend that you check out an Emotionally Focused Therapist: http://iceeft.com is a listing of where you can find someone certified in the method. They can help you work on this from your side of things. It is better if she would go with you but it sounds like she isn’t open to that (right now).
The other advice I have is to let her know how much she means to you, how you want to save your marriage, how you want things to be right by the two of you, and how you miss her, love her, want her help in improving things. Get real curious about what’s going on with her – ask her if there’s anything you can do differently. I’m not saying there is — I just think this might help. Without knowing more about your situation it’s hard for me to give you more advice, other than emotional honesty and transparency. My best advice, however, is to find a professional you feel like you can trust – someone who understands relationships well – and get some support with this.
So sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best,
Jenev
I kicked my family out. I have 2 beautiful children and because I was arguing with my wife I let my anger out by telling her to leave. Its been ongoing and before this all escalated my wife asked me to go to see a councillor but I refused. I now regret it. Been 5 days since theyve been out of home and its really hurting me now. I want my family back and im getting the stones thrown at me but Ive acceptd that. Can I save my Marriage and my family or is this a battle with no hope?
Hi Dane,
I so believe in forgiveness — I believe you can save your marriage and your family. It might not be easy but it is definitely possible. You both obviously could really benefit from some help. Let your wife know how you are feeling so much regret about what you’ve done and that you wish to make it work. Let her know how serious you are. Let her know how you’re ready to look at your own stuff and do whatever is necessary to make it work. BUT — this definitely involves speaking with a counselor/therapist. Take the initiative to set up the appointment — you can go here to find someone: http://iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist
Best of luck to you — feel free to reach out to me if you need more assistance — just click here to set up a free call and I can try to help you get set up with the right kind of help.
Good luck,
Jenev
My partner has left me several times in last 6 months and came back I get I love you 1 day then a week later I’m not in love with you and she’s gone I’ve tried pushing the issue to talk properly but I think I’ve made things worse is it a good idea to just leave her to it for a few days maybe a week or more all I got is she’s not in love with me just used to having me around this is just a week after I got I love you and will always love you so I’m torn how can I suggest talking to a councillor before giving up on the relationship for good is it even worth seeing a councillor
Hi Jonathan…I am all for counseling. Even if your relationship doesn’t ultimately work out, it can be helpful in huge ways. Good luck!
Hi Jenev,
I am in a relationship of 4 years. This girl I love is 2 years elder to me. I loved her before we could start dating as in she was with another guy but I did not wana be in the middle so I waited if god has a plan n after 4 years she came in to my life out of no where. I always loved her. We are in a relationship of 4 years now. She comes from a broken family where her mom believes in numerology n tells her r marriage won’t work. She’s afraid of her marriage will break cause at times I fight with her and I dont mean to hurt her when angry I some mean stuff. Further, her mom has told her there this guy who’s numbers r matching up n ya ll will end together. My girlfriend loves me a lot. But after constant pressure from her mom that it won’t work n odd couple of fights over the months she has left me. Plus her step mom used to really hurt her alot certain things I can’t say ?? I love this girl a lot. Her mom has forced her n brain washed her to leave me. I dont wana end it I m ready to stop ne point of anger in me to get her back. Any amount of councelling. I feel she has fear of broken relationship and yes my mom suffers from paranoia n I fight a lot wid my mom she feels I ll do the same WD her n it won’t work out. We have a house together however I have not married her yet and we were supposed to get married next year. She stays in UAE n I plan together and face her as she won’t pic ne calls or reply to any message. She said I am fed up wid yr anger n its over from my side. Please advice me what to do. I ll be going to UAE to c a counselor and hope she comes along at least once. Please advice. Thanks
Hi Quintin, I’m so sorry for the late reply to this – I think it’s fantastic that you’re seeing a counselor about this. Really allow yourself to get the support you need right now. I wish I had better advice for you but it sounds like a complicated situation — the best advice I have is to stick with the counseling. All my best to you!!
My boyfriend is a very angry man. He is not physically abusive but he does yell a lot. His mother lives down stairs from us and he was just yelling at her for buying Halloween stuff for my kids for next year on sale at 75 percent off. Just last night he woke me up at 1 in the morning in a very rude manner because I was rolling around in my sleep. (I should probably state that I have fibromyalgia and I get very sore and stiff if I am in one position for too long) I apologized and said that I didn’t know I was doing it because I was sleeping. He then proceeded to tell me that if this s!#t keeps up I will give him a heart attack from lack of sleep. This is just one instance believe me there are many many more for even less than keeping him awake. Every argument is always my fault according to him. I am feeling like all I do is make his life miserable. I have been seeing my own therapist for over a year now and she doesn’t even know anything about the fighting. (Therapy involves mostly my ex husband and the kids since he kidnapped them and hid them from me and my issues with my mother and childhood.) I would love to go to couples therapy but I am prertty positive he will never agree. His mother and I believe that an anger management intervention may be in order but have no idea of how or what to do to plan one.
Hi Sandy, it sounds like this is a very difficult situation. We often get what we tolerate. If you take a stand for yourself and let him know you need help to work on this together, and he doesn’t agree, then I encourage you to ask yourself what are you staying for? I know it’s not that simple and I’m sure you love him for many reasons other than his anger – but this is a great thing to talk about your therapist with.
Hello! For some time whenever my girlfriend and I have had arguments and/or heavy discussions she has said she thought we should go to counseling. I initially resisted because our relationship is young (18 months) and I didn’t think we were at a place where we needed a third voice yet. But she’s a single mom who has gone to counseling with the biodad and on her own as well, so eventually I agreed since she has some experience and believed it beneficial. We did one couples session, a solo session each, and then came back together for a session. In that final session she refused to participate in an exercise that the counselor suggested where we put ourselves into each other’s shoes for a day, and try to think like the other, or at least how we perceive the other to think. She just flat out said no. After, I told her I was disappointed that she didn’t want to participate and she said she felt like she already puts herself in my shoes so she didn’t need to do it. I told her that the counselor must not be getting that impression because she asked us to do the exercise. I then told her that I wasn’t going back to the counselor if she was not going to participate and also didn’t really want to be introspective in any way. Can this be overcome? Is there any point in going back? I love her and want to be with her, but at the same time, I feel like we’re not so invested in the relationship after eighteen months that we should be looking at six months of therapy to figure things out. I’m hoping for some kind of results sooner rather than later. I’m not interested in paying for this if she’s not willing to do the work, which is how it feels now.
Hi JK – good couples therapy is going to help you both as individuals regardless of whether your relationship lasts. Ideally it will help you together but if not, it will help you going into your next relationship. It is worth the investment. My advice would be to go back to your follow up session and together discuss her resistance to doing the homework. The results don’t come from simple HW assignments but the entire process. Her not wanting to do the HW is a block in some ways, and you can work through this block together with the therapist. Bringing a 3rd party professional on is a great way to help you both get underneath these blocks so that you can connect more deeply, understand each other more, build a more solid foundation together and eventually be able to connect more without 3rd party help. Don’t give up so soon!
Hello,
My partner and I have been together for two years now, he has told me that I need to buy a house on my own before he considers living or having a future with me. He does have a great job and earns a high wage, owns expensive cars and has his own place. Where as I don’t have a well paid job and still living at home with my parents. He is 9 years older than me so he’s had time to set his life up where as I feel like I’m struggling to even know who I am. He continues to stress about me not being financially capable. Even though I pay my own way and have never relied on him. I have suggested counseling before with no success. He can be quite controlling and is not open to anyone’s opinion but his own. I want us to be on the same page but I don’t know how to get there? what should I do?
Hi AJ — my sense is that you need some say in this relationship too. Just because he seems to have more $$ than you doesn’t mean he needs to rule the show. I would suggest minimally you get individual counseling to help you, and if you are not happy with your relationship and nothing you are doing is making things better, let him know that. Sometimes we get what we tolerate. You might need to be willing to walk away if he is refusing to change or look at himself and his behaviors and how they are effecting you. This willingness to leave might at least give him a bit of a wake up call that you are serious you need to find a different way in the relationship through couples counseling. Good luck!
hi nice on here
thank you!
Today I searched for couple’s therapy compared the price & got one.
Beginning of December my partner accidentally left his phone with me when he was dropping me off at work. I saw multiple mgs from him entertaining his baby mama, to other woman that stays out of town so when he works in that city they see each other. To this woman he was apologizing that he can’t leave me and he is scared of being in long distance relationship how he value and miss her and he know that he is a type of woman that sets time to achieve something (goals) what broke my heart even more is him telling this woman that between me and him there are no serious glitches. I was leaving him but because whole December I was at home wanted to be away from him, he hasn’t apologized. We also went to his home as we both work in the city when he was coming back he asked me if I don’t mind traveling with him & his mother back to the city I said that would be fine as I wanted to save cash. He still does all his duties like taking me to work calling during the day to check how is my day. He once said with his cheating there is nothing wrong am doing , the problem is with him maybe psychologically now am giving him last chance by going to couples counseling. I do not know what to say as we haven’t spoke about the mgs I saw on his phone because we only briefly talked about why I left and he threw sarcastic said he once heard its addictive to always check a man phone why am I doing this because am only hurting myself. How do I raise what we went through without fighting & that I made already made appointment for counseling
Hi Kourtney – I think it’s great that you have made an appointment for couples counseling. Your counselor will likely want to meet with both of you and then each of you separately and I would suggest that you bring up these questions with your counselor. If you’re working with someone who knows what they’re doing, you will be in good hands and you can relax and just show up, be honest, and let the counselor help the two of you work this out and facilitate a process that helps couples reconnect.
If for whatever reason you don’t feel like the counselor is a good match or it doesn’t work out (one of the most important things when signing up to work with a therapist is feeling comfortable with that person), find someone listed on this website — these folks use Emotionally Focused Therapy which is one of the best forms of therapy for couples: http://iceeft.com I wish you all the best!
my boyfriend just doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t like the idea of sharing personal stuff with some stranger ! even though i told him they are very secretive . he told me he doesn’t like it and i shouldn’t bring it up again , just because he doesn’t want to…how should i convince him ? I believe we really need it at this point
Hi Nardine – I responded to your question (and a few others) in this video — I hope it is helpful.
You may also wish to show him my posts on myths about couples therapy…
Here are those posts: https://mybestrelationship.com/10-myths-about-couples-therapy-debunked-part-1-myths-1-5/
https://mybestrelationship.com/10-myths-about-couples-therapy-debunked-part-2-myths-5-10/
Best of luck to you — the best place to find a qualified couples therapist close to home is: http://iceeft.com
My friend has told me that she is interested in couples counseling to help fix some of the problems in her marriage. I liked how you mentioned that being open with her husband about how a good therapist will be objective in listening and helping to address the situations at hand. I’ll also make sure she takes your advice and reassures her husband that she is considering therapy because she values their marriage and wants it to continue.
Thanks for your note, Earnest, I’m glad you found the post to be helpful!
Thank you, Jenev, for your articles, videos, and all your help and support. I come across this article nearly 10 years into my marriage with both me and my partner feeling like there’s no resolution. I really want to know if I should see a mental health professional on my own (because I have extreme emotional outbursts and a family history of mental illness) or if we should see a couples therapist. But if we do go to therapy together, will the therapist be able to tell if I or both of us have underlying conditions? I’m guessing to seek a couples therapist with psychology or psychiatric certification and experience. Though some of your suggestions brought me to empathetic tears, I found myself pridefully and selfishly actually not feeling like I want to “treat him better” rather, I’d prefer to focus on myself and take care of myself BY myself. I crave independence, I rationalize, because I became committed to him straight out of high school while I was still living at home with my mom, so I feel I’ve never had a chance to appreciate true independent freedom. It’s not that he’s controlling, but I feel like his opinions are critical of my own. I can’t seem to forgive our disagreements because it feels like the majority of the time when I try to resonate or get validation from him, I feel dissonance and rejection. I’m concluding that not him (the closest person I have in my life), not family, nor friends can truly understand or agree with how and what I feel and/or express. My heart feels cold: a lot of “I don’t care’s” about how my partner feels or even how I make him feel. I wish I could speak freely about how I feel about us, how I feel about or around him, without him feeling so terrible (no matter how terrible I feel about him). And I’m fully aware of how selfish and hypocritical and Narcissistic this makes me sound and/or feel. I keep wondering what solitude would be like because I’m just so tired of trying to explain myself over and over just to get an absent confirmation. I’d rather not feel so agitated around him seemingly out of nowhere rather than him changing how judgmental he can be. I try so hard to figure out what triggered me and why, trying to make improvements in the future, but the conflicts still arise. I’m convinced it’s our communication because it feels like when I say something it’s not “good enough” so he has to say it differently, but I don’t feel it’s the same so we have an argument about literally semantics. It’s so frustrating. Sorry to unload like this. Ultimately I wish I could be fully me and he could be fully him no matter how different we are and still be comfortable, respect each other, and view one another without judgment. Thank you again so much for everything you contribute to the world!
Hi Lady Violet,
First, I want to thank you so much for your post and for thanking ME for the stuff I’m sharing on this site and across the interwebs 🙂 It means a lot to me.
As for your question – which I think is, in so many words – “Should I find a therapist for me or a therapist for us?” My answer is that you can do both. Someone with whom you feel comfortable with should be the order of the day — don’t just work with someone because they have a license but make sure they’re a good fit for you.
After reading your post — my sense (and you’re the expert on you, not me) is that what you’re looking for is a good place to connect with someone to get clear on your own stuff — so if you were to pick “one or the other” right now, I would suggest you work with someone for yourself.
Normally I’m all about telling people to go find a great couple’s therapist and certainly I think that could be great for you too — but it sounds like you’re really ready to get some assistance personally right now.
I would suggest you re-read your post to me and maybe you will have more clarity yourself too.
All my best to you,
Jenev
You’re right when you mentioned that I have to be careful with the when’s and hows when I have to suggest my husband go to marriage counseling with me. I’ll be sure to own up to my part of the problem so that he’ll be convinced to come with me. I think it would be best if I educate and appreciate him so that he’ll know that it’s for the best for both of us.
Sariah,
Thank you for your comment! I’m glad to see this was helpful. When you frame the idea of going to marriage counseling around improving something you care deeply about, it can be a lot more easily received. Appreciation is always key as you point out!! So many people are scared of marriage counseling as if it means they are headed for divorce — when in many cases it’s the antidote to that! Thanks for writing in and I hope it’s a great experience for both of you!
Jenev
I’ve google searching for red flags that can be dictated, of Abuse from an intimate partner. I was not aware the was abuse in our relationship. But I tend to turn a blind eye on it, because they minor incidents. To saying not very nice things like “you stupid/slow” when I don’t get his conclusions on something the first time. I’m really petite by nature, but I do have a little tummy pooch which can be hidden at most times. When ever I’m sitting down an have my top off, he pokes it or try’s to shake it with his fingers. I laugh about it, but I’ve realized I’m developing a self body image issue. I’m always over thinking about how I sit , and even during intimacy I always wonder how I look in his eyes. The is a lot mistrust in our relationship, because what his Ex did to him. He tends to police me, some times make threats. things like “If I don’t answer the phone he will choke me”. I think I should be scared because his in private security and owns a gun at home and knows how to use it very well. An has threatened me with it before, but he says he doesn’t remember tell him how felt about. lately this year has been really bad finically. He is took proud to let his family now. They are not help because they are making demands and he try’s to meet. But he asks me to help him with money when he is short. In the past it was ok because it was small amount and I did volunteered but the amounts are now much large and he begs me for it. For the record I have never asked him for money. An I not Angel I have my issues with not being assertive too. How can I convince him to go to therapy with me?
Gilda,
Many would suggest that couple’s therapy is not appropriate for people in abusive relationships, I agree.
I would suggest you get confidential and free support NOW by visiting: https://www.thehotline.org/ or calling (800) 799-7233.
Here is another article that may be useful for you.
Please take care of yourself, get some professional support. It does sound like what you are describing is abuse.
All my best,
Jenev
I liked that you mentioned you need to be less critical with your partner if you are thinking about couples therapy. My brother his thinking about couples therapy for him and his wife, and we are looking for advice. I will let him know about the benefits of couples therapy to help him.
Thank you for your comment and for sharing this!
My uncle and his wife aren’t on good terms. I like how you mention a way to convince your partner is by telling him or her how much you value your relationship and you want it to be better. Thank you for the advice. I’ll share this information with my uncle so his wife and him can go to couple therapy.
Thanks for your feedback and letting me know! I’m glad this post helped.
It’s really helpful how you said to check yourself before you open your mouth because it’s easy to sound hostile when you’re angry. I think I’ll probably have to make a conscious effort to sound nice. It’ll be worth it in the end if I can get my husband to couples therapy though.