If I had a nickel for every time I was asked the question, “Am I being too needy?” I’d have a lot of nickels.
Do you ever question if you’re being too needy?
If so, here’s why:
Because your needs aren’t being met.
Please note: I’m not blaming anyone.
I’m not blaming you for your needs not getting met.
I’m not blaming the person, group, organization or entity with whom you are involved that is not meeting your needs.
I’m just saying, you may be feeling too needy because your needs aren’t being met.
What’s the solution, then?
First, stop trying to change the fact that your needs aren’t being met by questioning whether or not you are being unreasonable.
You, for whatever reason – could be biological, historical, familial, cultural, or a simple misunderstanding – have some needs that aren’t being met.
Recognize that. Stop trying to change that by talking yourself out of having these needs, because you can’t.
What you CAN do is shift your perspective about these needs, assess if they are really needs in the first place, or if you’re simply looking for the impossible from someone or something. This will require you to look at the situation from a different angle.
Instead of perseverating about how YOU are the problem and your neediness is the problem, start to think outside the box of your current perceived reality.
This box of “Am I too needy? Maybe I am being too needy. Maybe I should just calm down. I know I can be needy” is only keeping you stuck in that perceived reality that you are clearly not happy in.
Let’s go deeper than that.
Recognize, if you’re being too needy, it’s because your needs somehow aren’t getting met.
So the second step here is to look at your needs that aren’t getting met.
What are you needing or even simply desiring that you aren’t getting?
Get real honest.
Sometimes you may need to slow yourself down to be honest about what those needs or desires even are.
Ask yourself why. Why do you need that?
Keep going deeper.
In other words, what does that need SIGNIFY to you?
If you’re in a relationship, for example, and you feel the need to see more of each other, why is that?
Is it because you simply want to hang out more together, or is it something deeper? (My bet, if you’re reading this, is that it’s something deeper).
Maybe that need to hang out more signifies that your partner must really care about you if they want to spend more time with you.
Cut to the chase.
You need to feel cared for.
That’s a pretty significant need in a relationship, and one that so many deny, knowingly or not.
You may try to get that need met by nagging your partner about it, in turn, feeling needy, and having the opposite effect, repelling them.
Continuing to bang against the walls of that perceived reality of not getting that need met only perpetuates the problem, yes?
So what do you do then?
My answer to just about any question is always the following:
Get. Really. Honest.
Get REALLY emotionally honest, and intellectually aligned fully with how you feel, and ask.
Ask your partner if they can meet that need.
In other words, cut to the chase, save yourself the drama and the negative cycle of escalating surface emotions that miss the point, which is:
Do you care about me?
Obviously this is just one example, but we can look at many different iterations of it in all kinds of areas of your life.
Whatever your need is, for whatever reason that you have it whether it’s simply because it’s in your biology or your history as a human, it is valid.
Be compassionate to you.
When you start asking yourself “what’s wrong with me,” try to give yourself some love to see what part of you isn’t getting what you need.
When you don’t do this, you’ll start feeling disharmony with who you really are, that old familiar existential angst will wash over you, and you’ll start asking fruitless questions like, “am I too needy?”
I beg of you:
Care enough about yourself to get honest and ask the difficult questions, so you don’t find yourself in situations in which you are feeling needier and needier.
Get the answers.
If they’re not the answers you want, care enough about yourself to find the people, communities and organizations who care enough to give you the answers you do want.
At least care enough about yourself to let the right kind of support in so that you can get outside that limiting box of your perceived reality and have a fresh, new and much more hopeful perspective, so you can start to really get those needs met.
Not sure where to begin?
If you’re feeling too needy in love, question whether you’re even cut out for true love (you are), and long for a deep understanding of yourself and your patterns so that you can finally do something about them and create a lasting, richly rewarding and fulfilling love, I’ve got something for you.
Revolutionize Your Love is a program that will help you with that, and we’re starting in just a few weeks.
This program is a 6-week crash course in love that will help you ultimately learn how to get those needs met and how to finally create a love that will be worth your wait, even if you’ve never had a healthy relationship in the past.
I want you to stop settling in relationships in which you’re feeling too needy, and finally discover how to get yours met, accepting yourself and being MORE of yourself wholly and fully in the process.
Got questions? Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’m happy to answer.
Cheers to thriving in business & love,