Feeling unloved and unwanted by your husband is a terrible and lonely feeling that can have an impact on every area of your life.
In this post, we’ll take a different look at what may be going on underneath the surface when you’re feeling unloved and unwanted by your husband and share a new perspective.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of the most proven form of couples therapy that exists, known as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, describes the foundation of a strong relationship with an easy to remember acronym in her best selling book for couples, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (which I highly recommend, and suggest to every couple who steps into my office to read).
This foundation can be remembered with the acronym “A.R.E.”
Each letter stands for key factors that must be present in your relationship for it to thrive.
What couples are fighting about when they are really in trouble with each other and feel miles apart is usually not what they think they’re fighting about, e.g., money, family issues or even parenting styles.
They’re fighting about the question, “ARE you there for me?”
Can you relate?
When you’re feeling unloved and unwanted, you’re likely feeling that you can’t answer that question, “are you there for me,” affirmatively.
Let’s look at what A.R.E. stands for:
Are you and your partner open and accessible to each other?
R – Responsive
When you go to each other, do you respond? Do you show you’re there, available, responsive, clearly indicating that your partner is a priority to you, or vice versa?
E – Emotionally Engaged
Do you care about each other, like really, how your days went? Do you take an interest in your partner’s well being?
These things sound obvious but they often slip when partners find themselves feeling unloved and unwanted.
They are the foundation for a solid relationship and marriage.
But what if you just can’t get your partner to be accessible, responsive OR emotionally engaged?
Sadly, many people complain to me that they just feel plain invisible in their relationships, like they’re not even considered.
And this can be super frustrating.
As a result, when someone doesn’t feel heard, seen or considered, they often turn the volume up in their relationship.
In other words, they will become louder themselves.
That makes sense, right?
If you’re feeling invisible, you’ll do whatever you can to be more visible.
If you’re feeling unheard, you’ll get louder.
Making more noise is a behavior that makes sense if you are operating under the assumption that your partner doesn’t notice or care about you.
If you’re feeling unloved or unwanted by your husband on some level, you might try to challenge that by getting louder.
It’s almost like you’re giving him a chance – no one wants to feel unseen, invisible, unloved or unwanted, so you show up more in his face.
While you’re trying to get your partner’s attention, those feelings of frustration get channeled through your efforts to reach them, and you may become critical to your partner, if not downright hostile.
It’s like you’re poking at your partner trying to get a response, and nothing seems to work.
So the more your partner withdraws or seems to shut down, the less you feel noticed, the louder you get, and the harder you poke.
This is one of the most common (and destructive) patterns that couples find themselves in.
It only makes sense for you to think that your partner just doesn’t care about you.
But that’s where so many people get it wrong.
You may not believe what I’m about to say…
It’s not that your partner doesn’t care about you, it’s that they care so much.
Your little attacks are constant reminders of how they’ve got it all wrong.
You may feel you’re crying out for help or just trying to extend an olive branch, but they may feel like they can never get it right by you.
As a result, they back off, withdraw, shut down, and more likely than not, feel helpless that they’ll never be able to figure out how to get it right. They essentially give up. They might even feel shame.
It’s too painful for them to even try.
And you go feeling all the more invisible, unloved and unwanted by your husband.
Try to believe me on this one.
I’ve worked with many couples who fall into this all-too-common pattern in which one of you feels invisible and the other seemingly doesn’t care.
I’ve heard from both partners though, and when we get down to it, the folks who shut down and withdraw really do care.
The fact that they care so much is actually why they shut down.
In fact, psychologist Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues have measured what happens physiologically to men when they are shut down and backed off from their partners.
If they truly didn’t care, their heart rate would be normal and they wouldn’t seem to be physically activated at all.
But that’s not what was found!
Male withdrawers actually have an increased heart rate and measure physiologically as being distressed, proving this point even further.
Even if it is close to impossible to believe that your partner actually cares about you in those moments where you just can’t seem to reach him, there’s a strong likelihood that he cares more than you can imagine.
The problem is that when you’re feeling frustratingly alone and disappointed and let them know with anything from a borderline snide remark to an all out freak out on him, it may reaffirm the message that your partner just can’t get it right, and they back away.
They don’t realize that if they just looked at you or listened to you, you’d be fine.
You just need to feel important to them.
We all need that.
But they think they have to accomplish some unattainable feat to get your approval.
And they back off further.
And the more they back off or seem not to care, the louder, angrier and more dangerous you get in their eyes. And around and around you go in this vicious pattern, with seemingly no resolution.
Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson calls this pattern “The Protest Polka,” in her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and it is one of the most difficult patterns to get out of.
So what should you do?
Turn the volume down.
Just give it a shot and see what happens. Try to be gentler and nicer, and see if your partner comes toward you a bit more.
I know this suggestion might feel totally counter-intuitive.
You may fear that if you get quieter, your partner will definitely not notice you.
But if it’s true, like it is in so many relationships, that your partner cares more than you realize, when you turn the volume down a little, he may start to pay a bit more attention.
He may not feel as threatened and criticized by you, and like a turtle coming out of his shell, he may start to check things out a bit more.
Won’t that be nice?
Underneath that cold, hard, impenetrable shell is a softie who may be feeling more vulnerable and helpless than you realize.
Hopefully this post has helped you see things differently, but if not, fear not…
Depending on how long you’ve been caught in this pattern and how strong a hold it has on your relationship, you may not be able to get out of it without a little help from someone outside of your relationship.
If your partner doesn’t budge even if you back off, all hope is not lost, it just means it’s going to take a little more work on both of your parts to get things back on track.
You could check out my book, Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship for starters. It explains this and a few other patterns that couples get caught in perfectly, and is one guide to help you break through them.
This book is based on principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
EFT is all about nipping these patterns in the bud so that you both can really become Accessible, Responsive and Engaged with each other.
EFT is a short-term approach that has been demonstrated to produce results for couples in 8-20 sessions, regardless of the level of distress they start therapy with (unless either partner has a history of trauma, in which case it can take longer).
Unlike other approaches, with EFT, you won’t be in therapy for years and years.
Want to learn more?
Check out my book here.
Hopefully you won’t need therapy and you just need to tweak your approach.
You could even share this article with your partner and see if it makes any sense to them.
Emotionally Focused Therapy will help, though, if your own attempts don’t cut it. You can find an EFT therapist near you by checking out The International Centre for Excellence in EFT and heading over to the “find a therapist” tab.
Don’t be like the average couple who wastes 6 years before getting help, take care of this now.
You deserve your best relationship today, so take action to create it now.
Cheers to your best relationship,