Sadly, more and more people are feeling unloved in marriage.
If you’re feeling unloved in marriage, you’re not alone, though you likely feel entirely alone, and the pain is unspeakable.
This post discusses the achingly lonely feeling of feeling unloved in marriage, what to do with it, and some alternative explanations of what may really going on in your relationship.
Few things are worse than feeling unloved in marriage.
Feeling like the one who was once your dream come true no longer wants you, adores you, or cherishes you.
Feeling unloved.
Feeling undesired.
Feeling unwanted.
Ouch, it physically hurts.
It’s hard to admit and might often feel like you’re just frustrated all the time with your partner, but when you dig deep and really look at how you’re feeling:
It feels like you’re unloved.
Jill feels unloved daily underneath the surface of her seemingly fine life.
And this feeling of being unloved by her husband is eating away at her soul on a deep level.
All the other parents at the PTA, her customers, her family and her friends see her life as being nearly perfect.
She’s beautiful, incredibly smart, has great skin, a bubbly and outgoing personality, a fine home, and is the first to help a neighbor when they’re in need.
They see her 3 happy and healthy kids, her impressive career owning and running her own floral business (she is the best around), and what looks like a fine relationship with her husband.
Underneath that picture perfect surface, she’s feeling unloved in marriage.
Unloved by the one who is supposed to love her the most.
She attempts to connect with her husband and is met with a blank stare on what feels like a regular basis.
Charles is a successful accountant, and a great dad who cares about his son and daughters.
“He brings a lot of good to the table,” she’ll be the first to say.
He drives them around and even does the laundry, unlike many of her friends’ husbands.
“But he barely even looks at me.”
And when he does, it’s like he looks through her, confirming the gnawing feeling of being unloved in her marriage.
It’s hard to admit that you feel unloved.
It’s a lot easier to be angry all the time.
When you actually touch on that feeling of being unloved in marriage, however, it really hurts.
It brings up all kinds of stuff.
If the person with whom you’re supposedly most intimate with in life doesn’t love you, what does that say about you?
It can take a toll on your self-esteem, sense of self worth, and can throw you down an abysmal downward spiral of shame.
Jill doesn’t want to admit she feels unloved in her marriage.
She wants Charles to want her.
On a recent Saturday night they actually hired a sitter so the two of them could go out.
Of course, Jill arranged the date. She feels like she does everything.
She slipped into a tight fitting dark green dress that matched her emerald eyes, with a darlingly long slit up the back.
Her Pilates game is strong and paying off – she knew she looked hot.
Normally a more modest dresser, Jill was taking a bit of a risk.
Despite countless times feeling unloved in her marriage, she was clearly putting herself out there to make it easy for Charles to give her some attention.
She went to kiss her kids goodbye and gazed up at Charles to see his reaction to her sexy attire, and it’s like he didn’t know what to do with her.
She felt the all too familiar feeling sweep over her like a flood:
Unnoticed, unwanted, unloved.
In reality, he was a bit taken aback.
In reality, he found his wife stunning.
Though he opened his eyes a bit wider with some surprise, he kept his mouth shut, didn’t say anything, and followed her out the door after saying goodbye to the kids.
Jill felt deflated.
And stupid.
She went out of her way and left her comfort zone to step it up a notch with her sexy green dress with the slit up the back and felt she got nothing from him.
She felt like a clown.
“Why am I even bothering?” she asked herself.
Feeling unloved in her marriage cut her like a knife.
She felt silly and ashamed for even trying.
They made it through dinner with surface conversation where she felt miles apart from her husband.
When they got home, Charles turned on the TV to catch what was left of the Dodger’s game, and she went straight to bed, feeling that an entire universe had erupted between them.
She quietly cried herself to sleep, feeling even more unloved, and woke up the next day to the normal hustle and bustle of her busy family life, a bit further from Charles, a bit more hopeless about their marriage, and more alone than ever.
“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (the gold standard for couples therapy that helps 9 out of 10 couples make improvement in their relationships according to the research, by helping them bridge such gaps that Jill and Charles were facing) has described this feeling of being alone and unloved in your relationship as if you are starving, yet in a room with a giant feast, separated by it with a pane of glass.
Fewer things are more painful than feeling unloved in your relationship.
Once you hit that wall of feeling unloved, it can be hard to break through.
Jill tried in her not-so-subtle way, but the message didn’t get through, which to her, only confirmed her feeling of being unloved by her husband.
If we were to peel away the layers between Jill and Charles, however, we’d see a different picture.
The truth is, despite her feeling unloved and unwanted, Charles loves Jill very much.
Most of the time, he is extremely attracted to her, green dress or not, but she has no idea.
He loves her more than anything.
Yet she feels unloved and unwanted by him.
What’s happening?
What stops him from connecting?
What prevents him from reaching for her when she puts all effort out to make it as easy as possible?
And perhaps more importantly, what’s really going on in your relationship if you’re feeling unloved in marriage?
Let me first tell you what was happening with Jill and Charles.
The truth is, though she was feeling unloved, this was not Charles’ experience of his wife.
They had a dynamic in which Jill sort of ruled the house.
She had high standards for herself and everyone else around her, including Charles.
She didn’t hesitate to let him know how he disappointed her at times or got certain things “wrong.”
Because she often felt so invisible, misunderstood and even unloved, she tried to assert herself and make herself seen and heard.
Sometimes she’d get loud.
A bit critical, too.
She expressed herself easily, was articulate, processed emotions fast, and when they got into an argument, she could cut him down like the best attorney on a courtroom floor.
They found themselves in an all too common pattern that couples get caught in that Sue Johnson refers to as “The Protest Polka” in her best selling (and game changing) book for couples, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
Charles, on the other hand, simply froze in these moments.
She felt he was emotionally void, but the truth was that he was emotionally paralyzed.
So much happened to him in these moments that without realizing, he shut down.
She got the feeling of being unloved.
In reality, however, it wasn’t that he didn’t care.
Charles was more like in survival mode.
To Jill, Charles seemed to be stonewalling her, Charles felt like no matter what he could do, it would never satisfy her, so he stopped bothering.
He felt helpless and disappointing.
So he disappeared on her emotionally, and she felt unloved.
Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher of over 40 years, lists stonewalling as one of the elements in his classic cluster of warning signs in a relationship in trouble, which he calls “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” in his book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Stonewalling is when one partner seems to be completely emotionally disconnected.
Jill, for example, felt her husband didn’t care.
While stonewalling and this pattern of disconnect that Jill and Charles were caught in are not good signs in a relationship, they do not signify that one partner doesn’t care.
In fact, even if you feel unloved, it could mean that your partner cares more than you realize.
Here’s a reason why:
Gottman and his colleagues have physiologically measured stonewalling partners who don’t let on that they’re feeling anything, and consistently found that despite appearing like they have no cares in the world, these partners have elevated blood pressure and pulses.
On the outside, they look unloving, unmoved, untouched.
On the inside, they are freaking out.
This is exactly what happens for Charles.
The problem is that it feels too painful, too impossible, to difficult for Jill to bridge that gap.
“And why should it be my responsibility?” She wonders.
“I feel like I’m the only one responsible for taking care of our relationship.”
Even so…
She keeps trying, failing, and feeling even more deflated and unloved.
Once you get to that painful, awful realization that you’re unloved, it becomes really hard to go anywhere from there.
So you scour posts on the internet and rely on “what’s out there” instead of digging deeper into what’s in there because it hurts too much.
You can’t bear the pain of reaching for your partner and being met with distance, yet again.
I’m really glad you found your way here because I want to offer up some alternative explanations as to what may be going on in your marriage.
Clearly I can’t tell you for sure your partner loves you.
I can, however, share from my experience of having worked with countless partners who have felt unloved in marriage that more often than not, there is great love for you.
It just comes with a lot of misunderstanding.
Here are a few other things that may be happening for your partner if you’re feeling unloved (and can identify at all with Jill’s story, above):
1. They see you as angry with them more often than feeling lonely, sad, scared and unloved by them.
It can feel a lot safer to experience anger than to truly feel scared or show sadness.
Your partner may have no idea what is happening for you internally, that you even want them to want you, and so they just do what they can to try to keep you from being angry with them, which can result in a lot of shutting down, unintentionally giving you the message that they don’t care and you are unloved.
2. They are trying to protect the relationship.
When they are not responsive, it’s because they know you will “win” the argument.
Jill could take Charles down with words any day of the week. So he doesn’t say anything.
They wonder, “why should I bother, it will only hurt the relationship if I start fighting too.”
They’d prefer not to rock the boat, and in some ways, are trying to protect the relationship and the two of you from escalating into conflict. They’d prefer to keep the peace and think it’s better for both of you as a couple.
3. They feel helpless, like a deep disappointment to you, so they don’t bother.
Their only solution is to make themselves smaller and/or more distant.
This renders you completely abandoned, frustrated, sad, and alone.
It clearly doesn’t work, but it may be what’s happening.
4. They have survived their lives by shutting their feelings down and therefore do the same thing with you.
Again, it’s not working in your relationship, but it may be happening.
This is especially often the case for people who have literally had to survive in their careers by shutting down their emotional experience, e.g. veterans, police officers, etc.
It’s also true for people who have grown up in more emotionally cold or distant households where feelings weren’t often expressed or shared.
It’s also especially true for most men in cultures that see masculinity as something separate from emotionality.
In addition to the above possibilities…
There are other possibilities as to why you may be feeling unloved in your relationship, conversations to be had, depths to explore together, bridges to build.
Yet you may be thinking thinking…
“If I’m feeling unloved in marriage, who cares?”
Something’s clearly not working.
Regardless of the explanation, you’re feeling unloved.
And that’s horrible.
Are you doomed?
Is this how it just is, and will always be?
Is there a solution?
YES!
You’ve got to get to the truth.
Truth A: Your partner doesn’t love you and will never love you the way you need them to.
Solution: Lower your expectations and settle (no thanks), or end your marriage.
Truth B: There is this misunderstanding. You’re simply on different islands.
Solution: Build a bridge.
But how?
Here’s what Jill and Charles did:
They started to peel back the layers of their stories that kept them apart, together.
With the help of a facilitator who understood the roadmap of love and how it goes awry, they were able to enter new terrain, ask each other and themselves different questions, and take risks to share their truths with each other.
For Jill, even letting him know how sad and alone she felt was a huge milestone.
Charles had no idea, as he just felt like no matter what he did, it was a disappointment, since she so much more frequently seemed to live in the space of anger whenever she was around him.
Little did he realize how alone and unloved she felt underneath, little did he realize how powerful of an effect he could have on her simply by being fully present with her.
Little did she realize how all he saw from her was rage and disappointment.
They started to understand the painful cycle that pulled them further and further apart, from themselves and each other.
They began to understand themselves and each others’ experience with more compassion and empathy, and recognized that they were each suffering from the loss of connection, and that they both mattered to each other a great deal, something that each had forgotten.
Ask yourself:
Are any of the above scenarios that I offered above as possibilities, possible?
Try to see yourself from your partner’s perspective.
Try to show them your more vulnerable side.
Stop speaking in what feels like code to them, which maybe makes perfect sense to you (e.g. Jill’s green dress), but renders them confused and uncertain.
If you’re ready to do the real work, discover the truth and most likely build the bridge, get some help.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy works wonders.
Find a couples therapist who has the ability to help you both see each other’s landscape that much more clearly, so you can build that bridge.
The International Center for Excellence in EFT has a list of therapists near you who may be able to help.
If it’s too difficult for you both to go, get some help for yourself to start seeing things in a different way so you can start showing up in a different way.
Feeling unloved in marriage can be lethal.
More often than not, however, that loveless feeling comes from a disconnect more than anything else.
It’s worth doing the work to restore that connection.
One option is to check out my free video training that will show you 5 keys to go from the verge of divorce to deeply loved and understood (even if your partner doesn’t seem to care).
You can sign up for this training below:
Also, open up to your partner about how you’re really feeling.
Not accusatively.
Not in a fit of rage.
But vulnerably, genuinely, and honestly.
It’s my hope that by showing more of your truth, you’ll see more of theirs in turn.
Here’s to your best relationship,
Jenev
P.S. Jill and Charles are 100% fictitious characters so if you think you know either of them or are either of them…you’re not. Their situation, however, is similar to one that many couples face, and if it feels like yours, I really hope this post offered a new and hopeful perspective on what might really be going on in your relationship.
Please let me know in the comments what your thoughts are (and make sure you grab my free video training that will totally change your perspective on how to thrive in marriage).
Loading...
This sounds exactly like my husband and I !!! Such a sad and lonely place to be!
🙁 it really is. I’m so sorry, it is so painful. It’s also more common than you may realize. I hope you can talk about it together, and get some help.
I can so relate, this feels like my last relationship.
You’re so not alone with this one, Kate 🙁
This seems somewhat familiar to me, too. We got disconnected through my health problems and when I try to get closer he clams up, even though I sense he wants to. And since, my health problem has recurred I need him more than ever as I am scared as to what may be around the corner.
Beth – my heart goes out to you – I’m glad you can sense he cares, even though it must be hard to feel that way when he clams up. I am wishing you health and connection – thank you for writing. Maybe you two could read “Hold Me Tight” together or check out Hold Me Tight retreats to deepen your connection, if possible. They are really powerful.
Here’s a listing of retreats — not sure if any are close by or if it’s even possible to go, but if you might be able to go, I think it could really strengthen things for you both: http://iceeft.com/index.php/hold-me-tight
I’m here now. I’ve been here for a while. It resulted in him cheating and out of the sting of the betrayal I forged an emotional relationship with a childhood friend who at that moment revealed he had always loved me but didn’t want to mess up our friendship. It got physical but I couldn’t go through with the whole act. I told my husband. He became abusive. Four years later here we are and he cheated again. I feel sometimes that I should have ended the marriage, especially when my husband is nasty to me in front of our three small children. don’t think there is any hope.
Hi Marsha, I am very sorry to hear about all of this, and I hope you get some help. http://thehotline.org is a great resource in the U.S. if there is ongoing abuse – I would also definitely recommend you find your own counselor as well.
I trust a new chapter for you is unfolding as you’re recognizing this and hopefully getting some help.
Sending you all my best, Jenev
Marsha, I can relate. My husband didn’t cheat, but hasn’t even attempted to be intimate with me for more than six years, and I cheated with a childhood friend (he’s also married and wanted to be FWB). What a mistake. He has gone completely silent for nearly five months now, ignoring my pleas to talk, and I am absolutely devastated. My husband doesn’t want me and my FWB doesn’t want me.
This looks familiar to mine,I feel so lonely I tried to make him jelas by giving other man chances 2 hit on me but he didn’t get the message, I evn lied to him n say my 6 months old baby is sick he was not dere to give me love but busy focusing on his dota. I even tried to let him know gre I feel lonely but he shut me down completely. N tel me gore I must end my relationship with him and find the man hu can make me happy. I feel so helpless, hopeless. We are no longer communicating
Sending <3 <3 <3
I have felt the same exact way for over 5 years. He has completely disconnected from me. He stated that we were missing something in our marriage, which resulted in him cheating with four different women within a timeframe of 10 years. This last one was as early as July which prompted him to ask for a divorce. We were going to go to counseling and try to work on things until I found out about the cheating.
I’m sorry to hear that, Sunny. Couples can recover from infidelity if you work with a good counselor you both feel comfortable with and trust. I’m not sure if you’re able to do that after all you’ve been through. Either way, I hope you are getting some support for yourself as you go through this difficult time.
This is my husband and I, but in opposite roles. I completely identify. I need to figure out how to “fix” us.
So sorry to hear, Sadandlonely2…
I would strongly suggest that that you get some professional help – The International Centre for Excellence in EFT may have a highly qualified therapist near you.
I have seen many couples “fix” themselves with this approach, and the research on the effectiveness of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples speaks for itself. It is worth it to give it a try!
All my best and good luck to you,
Jenev
I’m the outgoing and adventurous one in our relationship. My husband is exactly the opposite. I know I exhaust him with all the things I want to do. I want to live life and try new things. I know this sounds completely stupid, (just an example) but he doesn’t want to get chickens and the kids and I do. He told me he was interested, but when I started moving forward with it, he put on the brakes. Now I can either get them and know he’ll be put out, or live with the fact that the kids and I are completely bummed out. Either way I’m unhappy because I make him unhappy or myself. I thought we were on the same page and then he changed his mind. I’m so tired of feeling like everything I want to do and everything that’s interesting to me is tiring, dumb, or too much. If he ever asks for my blessing to do something, I give it to him. I never tell him ‘no’ because I don’t want to stifle who he is, even if it’s inconvenient for me. I make it work. I don’t like motorcycles, but I know he always wanted one, so I got him one. I know it makes him happy to spend some time with friends and to exercise , even though I’d love for him to be home helping with the kids after work- so I told him he can go three nights a week and lift weights with a good friend of his. I have three small kids and work really hard to keep a clean house because I know that makes him happy. I’m trying to build him up, help him to be happy, and find things we can enjoy together (I thought we would have something in common with the chickens, but obviously I was wrong), and in return I feel neglected, annoying, and unloved. I feel like Jill and Charlie are very similar to me and my husband. I love him so much, but I feel frustrated, let down and restless nearly all the time now and it’s overwhelming and depressing.
That does sound horrible and I’m sorry you are going through this. Sadly it’s an all too common cycle that lots of couples go through. I would strongly suggest you get some help – http://iceeft.com has a list of highly qualified therapists all over the globe. Consider having the difficult conversation with him to get some help together so that you may both be happier, more connected and feel more appreciated. Good luck to you!! All my best, Jenev
My husband is great in his responsibilities as the man of the house…he can give me anything that money can buy..but everyday i feel lonely because he doesnt want to connect emotionally..he walks faster..no compliments..no genuine concerns about me..i have talked about it..i have …now am exhausted i don’tthink i can do more.
Sad cz i love him and emotional connection with him would mean the world to me.
Between spending time with me or his friends he chooses his friends.
Mostly i feel like just a responsibility to him.
Hi Neo,
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s pretty common, and can often be a misperception that your husband doesn’t care. Have you gotten help together to get on the same page? He might want this too, but you both may not know how to productively discuss this together yet. The International Centre for Excellence in EFT has some great therapists you could get some help from.
Please also check out the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson. It might help a lot.
Good luck,
Jenev
I feel unloved and unwanted. I have repeatedly out of desperation tried to communicate this to my husband only to get the same results where he doesn’t say anything or do anything different. I’m beginnng to wonder if there could be someone else. It hurts that it seems like he doesn’t even care about how I feel. He’s cold, distance and acts irritated by me and seems like he try’s to avoid me. I feel uncomfortable around him. We have tried counseling and nothing has changed. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Sharon,
I am sorry to read this, it sounds very heartbreaking – I hope you went to the right kind of therapist together who specializes in a form of couples therapy that gets results.
If you are willing to try again, go to The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and find someone near you. Not all forms of couples therapy are created equal.
All my best,
Jenev
I have eight kids in my house and I feel unloved and unwanted. My husband comes home from work watches TV,eats and takes shower and goes to bed. I try talking to him and he gets mad and yells at me I feel like I can’t do anything right. He does say stuff like he used too to me and it hurts.
Tanya,
Just reading “I have eight kids” makes me tired – I don’t know how you do it. I hope you get some support like a therapist/counselor/coach of some kind so that you can start demanding more for yourself.
All my best,
Jenev
Exactly how I feel. One year into marriage and I feel so unloved and my husband feels so distant. Ours is a long distance relationship right now. Anyways, I would give anything to feel worthy and loved by him.
I’m sorry to read this, Sam 🙁
Could you both get some help together?
Depending upon where everyone lives, you may be able to find a therapist who does virtual work with you.
Check out The International Centre for Excellent in Emotionally Focused Therapy to find someone near you.
Good luck,
Jenev
I understand what allot of you are saying, I’m the husband and feel this way almost everyday. I have read so many articles and can not understand how to fix things. My wife receives love verbally and emotionally , which I show her everyday. I make it a point to thank her for the small things everyday and help with the laundry and kids everyday as well. She doesn’t work , I work 6days a week. I feel love physically. I have talked to he many times about how I feel and it does motion but cause an argument. She doesn’t touch me or get inanimate with me anymore. I feel as though I give 200% to make her happy and feel loved and she gives none. Today has really hurt. For mothers day I planned an amazing day doing 2 things she has always wanted to do and the day was perfect. Today is fathers day , I figured I would wake up to her touch and that didn’t happen , she asked me what I wanted to do ,I said I don’t know whatever you have planned so today is spent with her reading a book and me being alone and heartbroken. I really wish I knew what to do.
Brandon,
This must be so hard. Would she see a couple’s therapist with you? I think that could really help you figure out what is going on here. The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy has some excellent and highly trained couple’s therapists around the globe. What would happen if you let her know you want to get some assistance together?
All my best,
Jenev
After having these same feelings for the past while, I come to google this! Wow! This hit the nail on the head! The thing is, my husband and I HAVE talked about this but I never realized I may actually be the problem. This is something I’m gonna have to really sit on. I feel so terrible.
Hi Amy,
I’m glad this seemed to hit the nail on the head — I would just encourage you to reframe your thinking — not that YOU are the problem, because YOU are not the problem. YET — we all act in self-defeating ways at times — and both of you may be acting in ways that aren’t getting your needs met, but rather exacerbating the problem. I’m so glad you both have spoken about this and hope this post deepens the conversation.
I would strongly encourage you both to check out the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson or grab my workbook to tackle this together.
I wish you all the best and thanks so much for your comment!
Jenev
I’m in this situation now. I don’t even know if I want to continue this relationship with how little we connect anymore. I’ve neve felt so unloved in a relationship before. Even the relationship with my ex husband wasn’t this devoid of love. One part of me says it’s time to take steps to fix this relationship and the other part says what’s the point? It’ll just go back to the way it is in a matter of months.
Hi Margaret,
Thank you for your comment and sorry to hear you’re in this situation.
If you do decide to work on your relationship I strongly advise you to go the route of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which has demonstrated a success rate of around 70% with changes that LAST in the research (meaning, it won’t go back to the way it was in a matter of months).
You can look up an EFT therapist on the website of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy EFT can make a huge difference.
Good luck!
Jenev
Wow, where to start? I have been feeling unloved for many years. We have been married for 29 years and our sex life stopped over 10 years ago. I feel that he is turned off by me and the last times we tried to be intimate didn’t work out. So I just gave up. He hasn’t come near me in all these years. Now I find that he is looking at porn and on a resent trip to his hometown, he tried to meet up with his high school girlfriend. I find my self being angered at him all the time. He works and provides for us…..but when he is not at work he is in his room sitting on his recliner and watching tv or playing video games. When I try to talk to him …he gets annoyed and runs in his room to hide. Not sure I even could still love him… I feel so stuck! My self-esteem is so low at this point….I see no way out ……….
Hi Patricia,
I hope you can get some support from yourself and if any part of you wishes to work on and improve the marriage I would strongly recommend you get some professional help from an Emotionally Focused Therapist (you can find a list under “find a therapist” on website for The International Centre for Excellence in EFT) who can assist you both with reconnecting. It sounds like you feel so alone and stuck – yet I want you to know, there are many couples out there who have been in similar situations, and they have been able to find each other again with some professional assistance.
I wish you all the best and know you have the strength to get the support you need,
Jenev
I have just read through these comments and it was so sad and heartbreaking. There sounds though there are some lovely givers out there, who are putting a lot of energy into creating a loving relationship and this isn’t being reciprocated. I realise that it is difficult feeling attached to another person and there will be a sense of loss, butI want to say…let go. Especially to the woman whose husband is abusive. It doesn’t benefit your children to see you go through that abuse and it doesn’t benefit you. It doesn’t benefit your husband to feel enabled to be like that because it is somehow accepted on any level. People are usually who they are and they show you who they are. Once the honeymoon period is over you tend to see the real person with their strengths and limitations. Then you decide for yourself whether your strength can overcome their limitations or whether you cannot live happily with what they are offering you. In a sense it is very simple. There is no reason to even be angry with them. Nobody here hasn’t bothered communicating their feelings, but it hasn’t been registered or acted upon. So….just let them go. I completely agree with Amelia Earhart. Far better to be alone. That way you’re not investing in the hope of a return that never comes. You’re investing in yourselves and your children instead and can Crete your own joy. You deserve it!
Hi Ray,
I just read through the comments again and agree with you entirely – it’s so very sad. I also agree 100% that no one should tolerate abuse because EVERYONE deserves better than that.
I will point out, however, that this deep pain can be blinding (note – I am not referring to abusive relationships here — if someone is in an abusive relationship, I strongly encourage them to get assistance for that — http://thehotline.org is a great resource).
Many may be missing the point of the article, which is that they may be caught up in a self-defeating spiral TOGETHER, not because their partners don’t care, but because neither know how to effectively express their needs in the way the other can hear.
There is a way around that. It might involve getting outside assistance (as I’ve mentioned above, The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy has a list of qualified couple’s therapists).
It is every single one of our responsibilities to get what we want and desire from our lives and relationships.
If one’s relationship has gotten so bad and/or your partner refuses to work on this with you — I agree, far better to be alone.
Thanks for your comment, Ray — I really appreciate it.
All my best,
Jenev
My wife has told me she feels unloved, not important in my life and that i do not care. All of this is the exact opposite of my true self. She has told me im not doing enough and that i only do for a while after our fight then i get lazy, then we have thus problem all over. Maybe im just so lazy that i feel i dont need to out work into the relationship because she likes to take over and make decisions for us. So i let her and most of thr time things happen well.
We fight and are fighting about how she is frustrated and that im not showing my love enough to her. She keeps saying that she is going to break and when i give her solutions i get told off once again. When i try to find the root, im told that im not listening and not doing enough.
I know she is the one for me. She is my everything. I want to fix this and get rid of this problem but its either i get too complacent and lazy and she does not want to change her expectations of me.
This is all getting too overwhelming for me.
Pri,
First – the fact that you are looking online for resources and assistance with this demonstrates how you truly care, you want to make this right, you so desperately want her to see your true self, which is that she is your everything and you care deeply about her. It must be so frustrating not to be understood.
My top piece of advice for you or for anyone in your situation is to find a couple’s therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. (EFT)
EFT has been proven to help couple’s such as you and your wife reach each other and understand each other and I strongly recommend it. Your marriage is worth it. There is a listing of trained EFT therapists on this site: http://www.iceeft.com
If YOU take the initiative and suggest it to her, and let her know how important she and your relationship with her is to you, I imagine that will be helpful.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson (developer of EFT) is a book that you can start to read as well, hopefully together, to understand each other more and what is going on between the two of you. Once again, I encourage you to take the initiative and suggest it, letting her know how important she is to you.
You could also get the book: The Five Love Languages and let her know you want to understand how to make her feel as important as she is to you, so you would like to know what her “love language” is – this could be helpful in and of itself.
I wish you all the best and hope you can look into these resources because I imagine the answer is a lot closer than you realize.
Thanks for writing in,
Jenev
This sounds like my husband and I. He also grew up in an emotionally distant home. He also was diagnosed as autistic when he was 3 years old. He’s high functioning. What can I do to help encourage him to show affection? He shows affection on the rare occasions that he wants to have sex. He was too affectionate when we first got together. It was like after we were married, everything stopped. He stopped wanting me.
What would your advice be in my situation?
Hi Caroline,
This sounds really tough, thanks for writing in.
My advice would be to read the book: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love together.
AND- this may not be as easy to do, but will definitely be worthwhile – to work with a professional together (such as an Emotionally Focused Therapist [eft] — here is the International Center for EFT’s website where you can go to “find a therapist”) so you can both get your needs met more effectively by each other – so that he will be more emotionally able to express himself and be more affectionate with you, and that you will also be able to hear more from him about what he needs from you.
Changing a lifetime of emotional/mental/behavioral patterns requires commitment and effort but is totally possible and also in my opinion worthwhile!
Good luck and all my best,
Jenev
I have read this and all the comments. My wife has been telling me she feels unloved and I’ve been trying with words to fix this, but after reading this and relating very much, I see my faults and want to fix this. I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and want to spend the rest of my breaths with her. I know now that love is more than words and that I am not alone in my feelings. Here’s to making things work and rebuilding the bridge that connects our hearts.
Wow — thank you so much for reading this, Adam, and for your honest reflections – with this attitude and your willingness to show your wife how you really feel — my hope is that she gets it and you will rebuilt that bridge. Thanks for your comment here — Jenev
I feel unwanted and unloved. It hurts so bad.
I’m sorry to hear this, Andy. It does hurt. I hope you and your partner get some assistance for this.
This was so hard to read. It felt like it was written about my marriage. The loneliness is crippling sometimes, especially when I see him making an effort for everyone else including clients he works with, but with me it feels he has nothing to give, no emotion. I have tried to talk without accusation but he plays the victim. Talking with him trying to connect is getting harder. He sees I’m unhappy but he won’t ask and would rather just let things carry on. I’m emotionally drained and hurting.
Hi Lu,
So sorry to hear how much this painful post resonates. You could be in a self-defeating cycle with him, where he feels paralyzed and would let things carry on because he fears whatever he does will just make things worse. I would strongly advise you to get some professional assistance with this together, I imagine he may be hurting too even if it doesn’t appear that way….
The Centre for Excellence In Emotionally Focused Therapy has a listing of therapists globally who have been trained in the Gold Standard of Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy — perhaps you could both get some help together and start feeling more connected and less lonely.
I recently also started a new Facebook group to support excellence driven people who are struggling in their relationships as this is sadly such a widespread problem that I would love to see ended, there are solutions out there. While I think finding a couples therapist to work with you both is your best bet, perhaps this group can offer some support as well — We’d love to have you — join us here: https://facebook.com/groups/yourbestlove
Thank you for writing in — please get some help and I imagine things will start to improve.
All my best,
Jenev
This is exactly how I feel Lu!!!!
Unloved. Unwanted for many, many years.
Its heart breaking when I love him. Maybe it’s time to end my marriage.
Hi Karen,
I’m sorry to hear that’s how you’ve been feeling in your marriage.
Have you tried talking with a professional as a last resort?
Emotionally Focused Therapy can work wonders — things may not be as they seem — you can find a list of qualified therapists hopefully near you on this site: https://iceeft.com
I wish you all the best,
Jenev
We’ve been together for about a year now. The relationship started out very exciting and sexual, but has over time become much more calm.
Since a few months I haven’t been enjoying our sex life. He is loving and caring, and he still wants sex. However when it happens, it’s either him receiving oral sex, or it feels like there is no passion there. We’ve talked about this a lot, and he assures me that he still wants me as much as he did when we first met. I feel bad every time we make love now, though, because he never touches me the way he used to, there is very little foreplay, and I barely ever get to climax. After talking about that, he asked me to show him how he could make it more enjoyable for me, but he doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not the physical part that is the problem.
I just feel like I’m not exciting to him anymore. And I’m very scared to show him how much that’s hurting me, because I don’t want him to start pretending he wants me more than he really does, just so I could feel better. I have no doubts that he really loves me, he gives me a lot of physical and verbal affection every day, we talk about our feelings, I feel very good in this relationship… other than the sexual part of it.
A week ago I wrote him a letter trying to explain my feelings and desires (he’s a very logical person, I am very emotional, and we’ve found that it helps both of us understand each other better when we write our thoughts down). I wrote that while I feel our love for each other is equal, our desire is not. That the imagination and eagerness that we shared in bed got replaced with routine. He said that he just has a lot of work and I am creating drama.
I don’t know what happened, why he stopped being that interested in me (we used to make love every day, now it happens maybe once a week) while I’m still wanting him, but unable to get satisfied whenever we do have sex…
Hi Hanna,
I think it’s great you’re being open with him about your feelings and I know it can be really tricky to connect when one partner is more emotional and the other logical.
Intense infatuation and sexual chemistry is often heightened at the very beginning of a relationship — you know the feeling when you’re falling in love with someone — you can feel obsessive about them and have the sense that all is good in the world. That’s in part because of neurochemistry… and — it quite often fades a bit as you grow closer and more accustomed to each other — which can start around the 6 month mark (though obviously this is different for everyone).
This is when true emotional intimacy and connection is in order, and your bond starts to deepen and grow stronger, which is exactly what it sounds like is happening in your relationship now, when you are being vulnerable and open with each other about how you’re feeling.
I am telling you this to reassure you that if sex isn’t as frequent or passionate as it was in the early days, that’s completely normal, especially if he is otherwise available and you feel that love for and from him. I would suggest you try to trust it…!
Continue to let him and his experience in and trust him that he is being honest with you about how he feels, unless you have reason not to.
Something else that can really help you both is either the book: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson – or even better, her online program that couples can go through together: Hold Me Tight Online.
I think you would love this book and the program could be a wonderful thing for you to go through together.
I hope this is helpful. It sounds like you have a great relationship overall and keep staying connected!
Jenev
Thank you for writing this. This feels like my marriage. I have been married fourteen years and my husband is a porn addict. I had often felt invisible before discovering the truth about his addiction. He often blamed me which made me confused and angry. We are working with a professional counselor now, but this has been a terribly difficult, soul crushing experience for me.
Hi Denise,
I’m so glad you are both getting help for this together. What a difficult and all too common situation (it is more common than you may think—-I can only imagine how alone you must feel). I hope you are getting assistance for you, too. Despite how hard it is, I hope you feel good about the difficult work that you are doing together.
Thanks for writing in and for your appreciation for the post. It means a lot to me.
All my best,
Jenev
Sounds exactly what I’m experiencing 100% from husband pov. To start with, jump into the marriage from a brief courtship, was a leap of faith n bad judgment (we are totally opposite personalities). We had alot of struggles, fights and disagreements. Through the years, satisfying her expectations were never enough. There’s always something that will ignite the fuse. I don’t feel she loves me, cos it’s always about her. Even when I told her I don’t feel it and I am coming from absent parents household, I’m branded as making excuses and she can’t give me love because she is running on empty. It’s being almost a decade, both of us feels like giving up.
Hi Jeff,
What you are going through is rough. I would recommend that BEFORE giving up, you both check out the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love> by Dr. Sue Johnson. It offers an excellent explanation and breakdown of what it sounds like is going on between both of you (and so many other couples).
Even better — going to an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples could really provide assistance, or you could go through the game-changing Hold Me Tight Online program from Dr. Sue and her team. I believe this opportunity could breathe new life and understanding into your marriage and dynamic.
I wish you all the best!
Jenev
I had to google this and make sure I wasn’t just being too emotional. I’ve been married 6 years, dated for 6 months then got married. At first it was not that bad, but then we started having kids and now I work. I was a stay home mom so I had time for him and our kids. I’ve been working full time for 3 years. I don’t feel loved by my husband or wanted, I don’t feel special I and to be quite honest I don’t think I love him anymore. I have given so much from me physically and emotionally but I got nothing in return. My husband hides himself in the guest room on his free time to play PS4, ignoring his family outside the room. At first I understood because he worked a lot too, but then it came to the point where he would get mad and close to door to my face when I would ask him to come out to eat. This is too much. My kids tell me that they want another dad because this dad is always watching tv and playing games (ps4). Little by little I became more careless about it. I’ve also become more independent. Well here goes another one thrown to the world with a broken heart! Glad to know I’m not the only one, but wish we didn’t have to go through this…
Hi Maggie,
Thanks for your comment – this sounds like a really difficult place to be.
Have you considered getting professional assistance for this?
Here are some resources you may wish to check out:
1.) A book (easy): Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
2.) An online program you can do together that will assist you in bridging this gap (it is based on the book and could really be a game changer for you both — definitely will be more enriching for him than PS4 whether you stay together or not):
Hold Me Tight Online
3.) Finding professional assistance together. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the gold standard of couple’s therapy and helps folks in situations similar to yours find each other again. The International Centre for Excellence in EFT has a listing of trained EFT therapists all over the world so hopefully you can find someone close to home. It’s worth giving it a shot and less costly than a divorce.
I wish you didn’t have to go through it as well but I also believe that if you are both motivated to breathe some life back into your relationship, there may be hope. Thanks for writing in.
All my best,
Jenev