Well meaning people out of the blue often reach out to me anonymously and share a few sentences about their relationship and then ask me:
“Is my marriage doomed?”
I’m not even a psychic nor do I pretend to be one.
Even psychics will tell you that ultimately you have free will regardless of your destiny. (And I can’t even imagine the questions that psychics get!)
But to answer anyone’s question, “is my marriage doomed?” despite not being psychic, I will do my best today.
My answer is pretty simple:
As long as you and your partner are committed to each other, your marriage is not doomed.
I may not be able to glean that insight from your question to me, but that commitment is really a huge part of what you need to succeed.
It’s really true in any area of your life.
You need that commitment to succeed – to make love work – no matter what.
If you’re transforming your body, your business or your relationship, and you want different results than the ones you’re seeing, you need to commit to do what it takes, regardless of what comes your way.
You’ll get up when you fall down.
You’ll get the support you need.
And you won’t give up if you get support that’s ultimately not helpful for you.
You’ll find the support that is helpful.
Here’s the thing:
Even though the Beatles were right in that all you need is love, there’s a myth out there that makes people think that all you have to do is love each other and everything else will work out:
Fall in love, tie the knot, and live happily ever after.
Yes, that love is all you need, but not because all you need to do is love each other…because it will fuel you to do what will be difficult.
Loving each other is the easy part.
Forgiving? Trusting? Surrendering? Growing? Allowing? Changing generation old patterns that keep you from loving fully?
That’s the stuff that commitment takes.
You’ve likely shared many memories, years, beds and perhaps even kids together.
Love only makes sense.
But if there’s been hurt, betrayal and disappointment (as is often the case when someone questions if their marriage is doomed), and if walls of self-protection have been erected as a result of such pain, love is simply the fuel behind the hard work you need to do to stay open and break through those walls.
That’s hard work because ultimately you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of even more hurt, betrayal or disappointment.
Are you willing to risk that for your marriage to work?
If you are asking the question “is my marriage doomed?” I suggest a reframe:
Take some more responsibility.
Decide for yourself whether you’re committed to making your marriage work or not.
Recognize you have some say in the matter. Perhaps a whole lot.
Your commitment is not a guarantee that your relationship will work, but I guarantee that for your relationship to work it will need your commitment.
Clearly you may be committed and your partner may not be, which makes relationships a bit more tricky than shaving down your mile splits or hitting your business goals. But that’s what I meant when I wrote that opening yourself to the possibility of even more hurt can be difficult.
Ultimately what your relationship needs to not be doomed is your commitment.
And if you are committed and make that clear to your partner, you will be much more likely to inspire their commitment than simply by asking the question, “is my marriage doomed?”
Find that commitment, and let them know:
“I’m committed to you and I’m committed to us and I will do the hard work it takes to make this marriage work.”
How does that feel instead of simply asking if you’re doomed?
I want to remind you, you’ve got more of a say in this than you might imagine.
To your commitment,