Every Wednesday I run a group laser coaching call known as Dr J On Call where anyone can call in and ask me any question about anything related to love, emotions, business or anything really (obviously I am better equipped to answer some questions than others).
On several occasions, people have called in and asked me what words to use with their partner when trying to discuss something that might be difficult.
Sometimes I don’t realize they are hanging onto my every word until they ask me to slow down so they can write down what I’m saying, then I realize that I am not doing them a service.
Do you sometimes wish someone gave you the words to say?
Sometimes it’s just like “ugh, just tell me what to do.”
I know I’ve felt that way when hitting walls in my business.
Here’s the thing:
My words won’t help you convey your truth to your spouse.
Just like what worked in someone else’s business might not necessarily work for mine (trust me, I’ve tried other people’s models before, they haven’t worked for me).
It’s never about the WHAT when you’re speaking to your partner about difficult issues, it’s about the HOW.
If you’ve ever had a trivial argument disrupt into an all out blow out, you probably know that what you were arguing about had nothing to do with the content of your “discussion.”
It’s always the PROCESS not CONTENT.
This is how you are communicating with your partner at all times – especially in times of distress: using your right brain, which is the house of your emotions.
It doesn’t matter what you say from your left brain, the place where logic, language and linearity lie, because your partner’s right brain is reading what your right brain is saying.
You can use all the right words but if you’re not coming from your most authentic and vulnerable place emotionally, your partner will get the wrong message.
Before you turn to your partner then with something you have to say, dig deeper and find out what’s really going on for you – what is REALLY bothering you.
Are you frustrated because you feel let down, and you’re scared underneath the frustration? Scared that you don’t matter to your partner? Scared that when something really goes down, you’ll be alone? Scared that your relationship isn’t what you thought it was?
It can be hard to really go to that primal layer of emotions that sits underneath the rest.
But when you do, and show THAT to your partner, you won’t need me to tell you what words to say. And your partner will much more likely hear you.
Don’t be discouraged if you can’t do this by yourself.
Many couples have built up patterns of disconnect for years, and both have erected walls of protection to keep them “safe.” These walls only block your access to each other, however. Even though they might be hard to take down by yourselves, it’s so possible, especially when you have the help of a professional who knows how to help create a truly safe environment where you can take risks with yourselves and each other and show yourself the real you, fear, disappointment, helplessness, angst and all.
You’ve got all you need, it’s just a matter of stripping away the blocks and truly showing up for yourself and for your partner. The how not the what; the process not the content.
Cheers to thriving in business & love,