For many people in relationships, it’s not such a Happy Halloween.
In fact, many individuals feel scared to death in their relationships.
Perhaps this resonates with you?
You’re with someone, but something’s just not right.
You can’t see eye to eye.
You don’t understand each other; you don’t feel understood.
In fact, you might even feel invisible.
You feel frustrated and angry all the time.
Because you can’t rely on your partner.
You think maybe he doesn’t even care.
And you find yourself snapping and blowing up, feeling exasperated and hostile.
Underneath the anger, you’re scared to death.
Scared you’ve made the wrong decision to be with him, scared he’ll never get it, scared he’ll never try, and scared that he just doesn’t care.
It feels like life and death, and you feel crazy.
Let me reassure you: you’re not crazy.
You’re just human, experiencing a real human biological reaction to a distressed relationship.
What do you do?
Take a look at your actions and the message that you’re giving your partner.
If you’re angry and hostile all the time, chances are, your partner will want to keep their distance.
Many people have no idea the tremendous impact they have on their partners.
Who wants to be near someone who is going to yell at them all the time? Maybe a masochist. But if you’re critical and angry all the time, your partner probably wants to be far away from you.
Try to see how that makes sense.
Then, allow yourself to feel scared.
It’s a lot harder to feel scared to death than angry.
So people tend to stay with that surface place of anger that might feel safer.
But you’re not going to get reassurance from your partner if you come at him with daggers.
Try to let him into your experience and allow the possibility that he does care, even if it means taking a huge risk.
If this feels too hard to do and you can’t seem to connect:
Don’t be discouraged.
Get some help. Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you understand what’s going on in a short amount of time.
Or, if therapy is too daunting at this point, read the book by Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, to learn a bit more about what might be happening.
Please know this:
You’re not alone. Couples get into destructive patterns all the time, and when you can’t connect, it’s perfectly normal to feel scared to death. You’re not crazy.
Don’t ignore it though.
Figure it out – together, with the book, Hold Me Tight, with a workshop based on Hold Me Tight, or with the help of a trained expert in relationships, so that you can enjoy a Happier Halloween next year, that will be scary for all the right reasons.
Cheers to your best relationship,