Are you an entrepreneur obsessed with personal growth and your spouse just doesn’t seem to get it?
You’re all, “Thoughts become things! Your mindset has everything to do with success! Let’s make a vision board together!!”
He’s all, “You are some kind of crazy lady. Get real! Work is supposed to be hard, that’s why you get paid!”
And then you start worrying…
“Maybe his mindset is holding ME back in business…”
Or even worse:
“Maybe I’m outgrowing this relationship.”
I’ve got good (and bad) news for you:
You’re the only thing in your own way and you DON’T need to separate in order to elevate.
I got to speak with one of my business mentors about this very topic.
Enter Denise Duffield-Thomas, founder of www.luckybitch.com, who is a self-made millionaire and spoke with me about this common struggle she hears about in her community all the time.
Denise shares openly her experience as the visionary dreamer in her relationship, and how she’s handled it along the way.
The interview is below.
Denise discusses her incredible program, the Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp in this interview, which I’ve been a proud member of since 2013.
She discusses her launch that happened in 2015 when we recorded this interview, but the good news that inspired me to re-share the video is that Denise is offering the program again.
Join us here to register for the new and improved Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp.
AND – whether your partner decides to join you or not (probably not if you’re reading this), check out Denise’s FREE Manifesting Course to clear your money blocks and open yourself up to receive.
Hello, everybody! This is Jenev Caddell of MyBestRelationship.com.
I am over the moon thrilled to be speaking today with Denise Duffield-Thomas, who many of you, I am sure, probably already know all about Denise.
Denise Duffield-Thomas is the Money Mindset Mentor for the New Wave of Online Female Entrepreneurs. Her best-selling books, Lucky Bitch and Get Rich Lucky Bitch, give a fresh and funny roadmap to creating an outrageously successful life and business. Denise helps women release their fear of money, receive premium prices for their services, and take back control over their finances. Denise is an award-winning speaker, an author, and an entrepreneur who helps women transform their economy class money mindset into a first-class life.
You can find Denise at LuckyBitch.com. I strongly suggest that you do; she has got so many amazing things on her website.
Denise, I cannot express to you enough how excited I am to speak with you and connect with you, and how grateful I am for your time today.
Oh, thank you, Jenev! I’m really thrilled, this topic is really juicy, and I think we have some awesome little tips for your audience. So thank you so much for inviting me.
Thank you so much for being here.
I’ve gone through your Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp a couple of times since I joined a couple of years ago.
It’s totally changed, I mean it’s just changed…just following you and watching you and watching your upgrades along the way – it’s just totally changed me and I’m sure so many of the fellow students or Lucky B’s as we call ourselves in the community. You’re such a role model and such a mentor to so many of us.
One thing that I think really sets you apart from many of the other women entrepreneurs out there, is that you talk about the relationship changes that might occur along the way. So, I’m really, really, really excited to speak to you about this topic, about how to manage, how to continue to have a strong relationship with your significant other as you go through the upgrades, as you go through the personal growth, and as you go through the mindset upgrades around money as an entrepreneur. So thank you for speaking out about that topic and for sharing it with me today as well.
Well, Jenev, it’s perfect timing, too, because I’m in the process of re-recording new video content for the next version of Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp. I knew I had to put a module in there about your partner…
…your relationship, and it turned into one of the longest modules because it’s something that women use as an excuse, that we have a lot of fears around, and actually it does take some partnership, you know it takes some working together to do it. So, yeah, we’re going to have some juicy stuff to talk about today, for sure!
Yes, and Denise, I just appreciate your message around that. You’ve spoken about the importance of communication and talking with your partner. I think there’s so many messages out there, that say, we’re supposed to just do it alone. So many women just say, well, he’s negative, I’m going to cut him off and that’s the end. It seems to me, just from what I’ve heard of yours, is that you take a different attitude. You really…correct me if I’m wrong here…but you, it’s like you were just saying, it does take a partnership, yes?
So, someone in the Bootcamp said today, “My husband is my biggest money block,” and I was like, “no girlfriend, no no no, that’s not true at all. Somebody else cannot be your money block. You have to dig deeper. What are you making that mean? Because your dreams are way too important just to say, “oh, he’s my money block, he can’t do it” because you are your money block. And really, this is your money block, it’s what goes on here [points between ears].
I have seen real, I mean huge transformations in peoples’ relationships because they’ve realized that you can’t change somebody else, you can’t manifest for somebody else. You have to take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings around money. And, then, you can have conversations with them about their stuff, but you have to be the role model.
I used to get frustrated about this because I have always had big dreams. Always big dreams. And when Mark and I first got together, I was 23 and he was 19. So he was a bit my toy boy, right? There have been times in our relationship when I thought, “I wish he would do…x,y,z.” But I was the one with the big vision for our life. So you have to be the one that drives it forward.
It sucks sometimes when you want someone else to do it, but if you’ve got a big dream for your life, then guess what, girlfriend? It’s going to come down to you.
You can co-create with your partner, and there are some tips we can talk about today. No one else is going to do it. You have to do it. And that’s the good and the bad news, right? When you just let yourself do it. It’s actually quite empowering when you just go, “Oh, I’m not going to wait for him. He’s not going to be my excuse anymore. I’m going to move forward, let’s do this.”
Usually, hopefully, if you’ve got a great partner, they will come along….
Why wouldn’t they want to?
Absolutely! But you’re not waiting for them, and you’re not using them as your excuse.
Yes, absolutely. And I guess I wanted to ask you, Denise, what you would suggest – I know one of the most common complaints that comes up is that your partner’s too negative, your partner has a scarcity mindset, he or she just sort of is not open to manifesting or to the kind of growth that we’re talking about a lot of times in the online community. What do you suggest to women who say, my husband’s so negative and all that good stuff?
I hear it all the time.
People think that, because I’m the Lucky Bitch, I must have a perfect relationship and all that kind of stuff. Really, when I started working on my own personal growth, not even just about money, I realized that I was trying to make him my mastermind buddy. I was trying to, I wanted him to read all the books I was reading and I would get really annoyed when he didn’t. I wanted him to come to seminars, “Come to the seminar, come to this.”
Then what I realized was that he didn’t need to have the same level of transformation that I did. He was actually really good with the Cliff’s Notes. But I was trying to force him to be something that he wasn’t.
So everyone’s going to have different learning styles.
I realized that it could take my honey like, six months, to read a book because he might read two pages and fall asleep. That’s just him. That’s totally fine.
So I said, well, this is my responsibility, because I need get rid of some of my stuff, right? So I worked on myself first, and then just gave him the top-line stuff.
I actually did have a conversation around language, because language is so important, right, when it comes to talking about money, or your relationship, or anything. So I said to him, “I’m going to set myself a challenge. I’m going to stop talking negatively about money. Here are some things that I’m going to stop saying in our relationship. ‘I can’t afford it.’ You know, ‘We don’t have the money.’”
So I started changing my language, and he picked up on that. But then, I said to him, “You know what, babe? When we say things like that,” and I got really vulnerable, “it triggers some stuff that I remember from being a kid.”
And I started talking to him about some of the exercises that I’ve been doing, like looking at my money memories, looking at the different things that happened in my childhood around money. I started in a very very low pressure way, so I asked him, “Did you get pocket money as a kid? What do you remember about money as a kid?”
We’d do it in very low pressure situations like maybe when we were driving, or when we were walking around. It wasn’t like, “Let’s get down and do these money memory exercises together, because Denise said we have to do it!” It was just like opening up a conversation and allowing us both to be vulnerable and realizing where some of that stuff came from.
You know, like maybe we really did hear our parents say, “We can’t afford that,” a thousand times as a child, like literally. That compounds over time, right?
Then I just asked him, like, “Oh, let’s not say that. Let’s not say that.” And it became – we started putting together pattern interruptors so, I started wearing an elastic band around my wrist, every time – ooh ouch! [snaps band on wrist] – Every time I said something like that, like “We can’t afford it,” I’d go, “Oh! Not going to say that anymore.” He picked up on that, without me saying, “You are wrong! Stop saying stuff like that.”
I have to admit I did say that once. I was like, “Babe, no. Shut that shit down.” But we’re not saying that anymore. I’m not saying that anymore, you’re not saying that anymore.
It was a process, but I gave up wanting him to be perfect. I actually just focused on what I was saying about money, or what I was putting out there. He absolutely was influenced by it, but we could have the conversations as well. Not in a “you’re doing this wrong” way but like, “Babe, you’re really triggering some of my real deep fears about money when you say that. Can you please, try not to say it?”
I think absolutely, just the way that you’re talking about being able to be vulnerable about it, and really be a partner with him, as opposed to like a parent, which happens all the time, right?
Instead of really owning those more difficult, vulnerable feelings, a lot of times people short-circuit up into the “nyah, nyah, nyah – Read this book!” and, you know, all of that. I just love your example and just sharing that with us – I think it’s just awesome. And it’s worked, right?
It has worked. Nobody‘s perfect around it, but we have the language now to call each other on our stuff.
One ritual that we started changed our lives. It was a nightly gratitude ritual. We would just ask each other, again in a very low pressure way, “What are you grateful for?” Or, before we go to bed, I would just say, “I am so grateful for where we live.” We don’t live in a great place, or anything like that. We didn’t have a lot. It was like, “I am so grateful for your job, that is helping me build this business. And I’m so grateful for this fledgling business that’s going to help us have a great life. And I’m so greatful for the dreams that we have.”
You know, even if you think, “Ah, there’s not a lot to be grateful for,” be grateful for the things that are starting to happen. And that, in itself, is a massive shift to change both of our relationships to money, and it’s also a great thing to do before you go to sleep.
Just how loving and grateful you feel towards each other, too, it’s an amazing exercise.
You’re not asking him to cast some spells, or do some beads, or whatever, it’s just like something really….
Do a dream board….
…do a dream board, right, asking him to start meditating for thirty minutes a day, anything like that, it’s just something so simple. Even just doing it yourself and saying that, it just feels good to hear, right? For him, I’m sure.
It feels good, absolutely. It feels good to say it and feels good to hear. He’s got his own money stuff as well. He’s had situations happen to him in his life where, your partner has got their own money stuff. It’s not going to happen by you forcing him to read a personal development book.
Yeah, right, totally.
Well, can I ask you a question about your relationship and how has your relationship grown as a result of you really developing this incredible business? Because I know you’ve been so transparent about your journey from starting off, and your first website, and all that, to where you are now. How’s that affected your relationship.
Yeah, a great, juicy question.
So I think it’s really important to surround yourself with other women who are doing similar stuff, so in my mastermind women, it’s probably about half-half between people who are married to entrepreneurs and people who are married to guys … I’m sorry, not entrepreneurs, people who depend on their other income dynamic. So half of them earn more than their husband and the other half is the other way around. So some of them are married to guys who are in corporate, and some of them are married to guys who are ferns and live as a house husband. So I kind of really just watched and saw, to say what problems have you guys had, what conversations have you had to have.
I remember early on saying to Mark, “Would you be okay if I earned more than you?” and he was like, “Of course, of course, I’d love it.” And I’m like, “Really, seriously? Let’s have a conversation about it, I mean, could there be anything.” He’s like, “No, no, no.” And I said, “Just humor me. Like, humor me. Could we just have a chat about it because I’ve got some fears around it, I’ve got fears that if I had more than you, you’d leave me, or we would have lots of fights about money, or you would feel emasculated, or you would have an affair.”
We did some talking about all those fears, because most of the time, we’re not holding ourselves back because we don’t know how to do something, we’re not holding ourselves back because we don’t know how to write a blog post, or even with people who are trying to find a partner, you’re not scared about putting an intimate dating profile together, you’re scared of the implications of that.
We constantly have the conversation because now I do earn more than Mark. It might change again, things might happen, but I was like, “I’ll just keep on checking in with you, would you be cool, would you be cool if I earned twice as much as I am earning now? Really, what do you think about that? What fears have we got?” – just been in constant conversation because, you know, it does shift, it does shift things.
In those early days, the thing that I had to get over was feeling guilty that he was earning the money and I wasn’t. But I had to constantly paint a picture for him, of “this is why I’m working really hard, and this is why I need to invest in that course. This is why I’m working on my personal development. This is why I’m reading books on the weekend instead of wanting to go to the beach – because it’s creating something that will enhance our lives, because it will allow us to have kids, and still do the things we want to do.
I was painting a picture for him very, very early on. So those times when you feel like, “well, maybe you should just get a job, if it’s stressing you out so much, maybe you should just get a job.” It’s like, “no, this is the vision that we’ve got for the future.”
So it goes both ways, right? It could be tricky at the beginning, and it can be tricky when you actually are making handsome money. So the trick is constant communication and vulnerability.
It’s okay to go there and look at the negative side. You don’t always have to be, “Oh, it’s going to be perfect, everything’s going to be great.” Maybe some things could come up, let’s talk about that.
Right, and then you’re able to actually go for it, because you’re ruling things out. I think a lot of the times, we all tend to go on autopilot in different ways in our lives, and to really come and go underneath the surface. To look what’s there, just allows people to go that much further. So I just love that. I just love that, how you guys have been talking about it throughout.
Now, I have another question from somebody in my community, if that’s okay. It just reminds me of what you’re saying.
What about when someone is sort of starting off, and they have to kind of keep reminding their partner, and their partner maybe freaks out, or maybe they want to invest the money in their business and they don’t really have business money yet to invest, it’s shared money. Do you have any suggestions about how somebody might be able to handle that with their partner?
I think it’s not just painting a picture for them, it’s painting a picture for you, so you can feel strong, that you’re doing the right thing and it’s for something, and that you don’t feel guilty every time that you want to spend some money on your business.
The other thing is to know that they are not going through the same journey as you. So maybe they haven’t seen examples of people who have been successful in your field of work. Maybe that’s alien to them. You’re reading the blogs, you’re doing the courses. You’re reading books and constantly reinforcing to yourself that you’re making a good decision. But they might not be going through that.
So the thing that I did, I remember, anytime somebody in my community had a big success, I’d be like, “Oh my God, come and take a look at this woman. This is what she’s doing in her business and look, they just bought a house, or she’s been able to quit her job, or they’ve just gone on a family holiday because she’s got a business.” I would just show those success stories, constantly.
Then, I was thinking, “well, I want to be one of those success stories too.”
So last year Mark went to the World Cup in Brazil, you know, and that was an expensive trip, and I paid for all of that. I just said I’m going to pay for this entire trip, because this is the, not your reward, but just to say thank you for those early days. It’s not like he believed in me all the time, he was trying to get me to take a job, like, all the time. Like, “maybe just a part time job, right?” and “No!” And we would sacrifice holidays, we would sacrifice nights out, because it was for something. It was so great.
A lot of people in my community sort of went, “I’m going to tell my husband about that, because he’s going to get it now.”
And I’m so glad, yeah.
That you could spend money on things for him, in return. It’s just like, “Oh my God, Denise’s business is doing so well she sent her husband on an all expenses trip to the World Cup.” Like, “do you get it now?”
Absolutely, I’m so glad that you shared that with us because, just knowing…in the beginning it’s really difficult to gain traction for a lot of people, and to actually start having an income from the business. So to know that he was encouraging you to go out and get a job, and you just kind of believed in yourself and you stayed fast to the dream and now you’re sending him off to the World Cup. Not bad!
Oh, absolutely! And the other thing that comes with having money, we just bought a house. All this kind of stuff has come from the business. But, here’s the thing. Those early days, we did sacrifice stuff a lot. I did say, this is for our future. So let’s cancel that magazine subscription. Let’s not go out tonight. Let’s, let’s…I made it not like we’re sacrificing, but this is for our future. This is something that we’re doing together, for our future.
We made it kind of exciting to do that. Constantly going, “this is for our future, this is for our future.”
The other thing that I constantly reminded him as well, is “happy wife, happy life.” I would say, “Babe, do you remember when I’d come home and I’d be so depressed about work and how much I just burned to have my own business? Do you remember how every Sunday night I would just get really quiet and unhappy?” It makes me always tear up thinking about it, right? I was like, “Do you remember how unhappy I was, not living my purpose? Thank you so much for believing in me, that this is happening.”
Even though he didn’t 100% believe in me, I was speaking it out loud as if it was true, and it was like, “Thank you so much for supporting me 100%, I just so appreciate you believing in me.” So he was cool, “Oh, yeah okay, cool…yeah I do believe in you.” “Thanks so much, Babe,” like really laying it on, too. Almost to speak into reality what I wanted to see into being. Constantly. And you have to be on it mentally. Don’t let yourself think, “well, maybe I should….” It’s like, no, no, this is our future. Happy wife, happy life. Just keep on repeating that to him.
That’s so good, that’s so good, and it’s the whole thing. Acting as if, and you come from a place of honoring the parts of him that did believe in you, and bringing that out and laying it on thick.
I love it, Denise, that’s such great advice.
I know you have a juicy announcement for us. Can I ask you one quick question before you share that with us?
What would you say is the number one tip that you have for communicating or connecting with your partner who may not understand necessarily, right? I mean, you just shared with us so many, but what would you say is the top tip for our viewers to see in terms of staying strong in love as you grow your business?
Yes, it could just be the mantra that “this is for our future.”
“This is for our future.” And actually, no, this is a core one too. It’s about gratitude, but it’s one that resonates with me, obviously, but just keep on saying, “we’re so lucky.”
We say it every day. I say, “we’re so lucky to live in this country.” “We’re so lucky that we have this opportunity.” When I come off into views like this, I always think, “We’re so lucky to have this technology, because we speak to his family in England, and it’s quite. And so I’m constantly mindful of saying how lucky we are. “We’re so lucky that I can build a business and stay home with our baby.”
It’s really a big thing for any goal or dream, but constantly reinforcing that helps us focus on the gratitude, it helps us focus on positivity and that positive language, and what you focus on improves, right? Together as a couple, even you can just say to him, “I am so lucky that you are my husband.” “We’re so lucky that we’ve got each other.”
That would just change everything, more than saying, “Here’s this money book, read it!”
That’s going to make things worse, totally!
Absolutely! That would transform it, if that’s the only thing you take from this interview. That would transform not only your business but your relationship, and it would transform his ability to support you and everything. It would be truly transformational.
Oh, that’s such good stuff. And there’s been studies that shows that’s actually one of the ingredients for a happy marriage, business or not. So, I just love that. That’s so awesome, Denise.
Well why don’t you… I’ve been a Lucky Bitch student for almost two years now, and it’s rocked my world. I know you have some really exciting changes in the works. Can you share with us what’s going on with that?
Yes, there’s something that I teach in the Bootcamp is the concept of incremental upgrades, upgrading everything as you go. And that doesn’t mean spending more and more money, it actually means refining your life to be how you want it, and creating your first-class life.
So I like to role model that myself, and so I am in the process of upgrading the Money Bootcamp.
When I first started it, I thought, “wow, imagine if I could have a hundred women going through this course,” and we’re getting close to 2,000 now. You’ve got to start where you are, you’ve got to start imperfectly. My first version of it, I don’t know if you were in it when I had the very hand-made, handouts for the assignments.…
I don’t know.
No, no, you probably weren’t. So we’re in process of making that even more beautiful and upgrading it, and adding lots of different things. Since I’ve recorded the last videos, I’ve learned a lot more about how you can create abundance, and there are a lot more tips to help women overcome some of the money blocks that they do, including putting in a whole module around your partner….
…and actually I just put in a module or two about how to talk to your kids about money.
Oh! I’m so excited!
Yes, I’m really excited about that one, too. That one’s a really juicy one. So, of course, when I upgrade things, I like to give people an opportunity. I really actually, to be really honest, like giving people a kick up the butt, especially if they’ve been fanciers for a long time. So the price is going up with this new upgrade, and it’s pretty much doubling in price. I like to role model that as well, to upgrade your prices.
But, to anyone who joins before the 23rd of July, and that’s the deadline for the new price, you can join at the current price, you get access to the course and all the bonuses, and all that kind of stuff, plus, you will be automatically upgraded for free into the new course, which launches in October.
So, you can still start now, start working on your money blocks now, and then you can just get all the upgrades…
[***this interview is from July, 2015. The good news is that for the first time in YEARS, Denise is RE-LAUNCHING the course but with a LIVE Q & A!!
Sign up by October 27, 2016 to have access to the LIVE round of The Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp!!**
…upgrades later on. So that’s the deal.
I love giving people a specific deadline. The people who’ve been joining this week, it’s actually been hilarious. People have been saying, “I have been looking at this for two years, and I know I’ve been needing to work on my money blocks for two years. And now you’ve finally given me the boot up the butt to do it.” So, yeah, don’t wait. Working on your money stuff is way too important. It’s important for you and your family and your children and all that kind of stuff.
So, if you know you do have some blocks around success and money, then make sure you join in. We have an amazing community. Myself and Jenev are both in the community. Come and join us!
Jenev, do you have a special link there below, as well?
Yes, I’ll be posting a special link below. (here’s your link to join)
We haven’t really talked too much about the community here, but Denise has just created the most amazing community of some of the coolest women out there, and it’s a really great place. People get support around the partner issue all the time in the community. Instead of psyching up your partner to read Think and Grow Rich or whatever it is, you can turn to each other. I can’t recommend this program enough. It’s changed my life. Thank you, really, Denise, you’ve just…
Oh, absolutely. You know, it’s so funny too, there’s nothing between us that we haven’t experienced when it comes to our relationships. I think there have been so many different flavors, and everyone’s had their own challenges. That’s the beauty of the community, is there’s nothing we haven’t seen.
And it’s really the most supportive and positive group of women. Denise, you’ve done such an incredible job, and I’m so grateful to you, Denise, for everything I’ve learned from you, like, really, your transparency and role model and, I could go on. I was like, “Oh, I can’t believe I’m talking to Denise! I’m talking to a famous person today, everybody leave…!”
No, I’m not….
Absolutely, that’s the beauty of this, right, that all of us can do this. When you get out of your own way and realize that you are enough. That it’s okay for you to be exactly who you are, and create a first-class life. Your version of a first-class life, not Donald Trump’s life, or, you know, someone outside, but your version of a first-class life and everything that’s important to you. To have all the money for all the things you want to be, do, and have in the world. That’s the key, that you are enough. You are perfect exactly the way you are. And you’re allowed to have money, and you’re allowed to have an abundant life.
I love it.
Denise, thank you so much. I’m very excited, and I hope that anybody watching we’ll see you in the Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp.
All right, it’s a beautiful community in there and we’ll see you in there, guys.
Thank you, Denise! Bye! Mwah!
Bye, have a happy day!
Don’t forget to grab Denise’s FREE Manifesting Course to clear your money blocks and open yourself up to receive.