Many couples find that they get into the same circular arguments over the tiniest things.
They don’t like getting into fights or having rooms full of tension, but they can’t seem to find their way out.
They are stuck in a rut.
While not every couple’s pattern or rut is the same, the way out typically is.
Basically, it’s about reaching into yourself and determining what’s really going on for you. Be honest about your feelings and try to really experience them.
Once you have a grip of what’s really going on, let your partner know.
We often run from negative or scary feelings and experience reactionary, secondary emotions as a result. This is often the only layer of our experience that our partner sees.
What’s really going on underneath is much more accurate about our true experience, and it’s often a bit more raw and painful when things aren’t going well.
If our partners knew what was really going on for us, they wouldn’t feel so attacked or shut out. They’d recognize that deep down, we were hurting too.
Only then is it possible to connect.
Take a deep breath and really get a picture of what’s going on for you, underneath whatever surface fight you’re getting in. Then let your partner in.
It’s easier said than done.
And sometimes it requires a great deal of work. Months of couples therapy might do the trick if you can’t do it on your own.
I was recently interviewed for a piece on about.com about one couple’s journey out of their rut. See below if you can you apply any of these principles to your relationship:
I’d love to hear your comments.
Cheers to your best relationship,