The key to remove relationship distress comes down to this:
Perception vs. Essence
I’ve been reading Power Vs. Force and listening to “The Discovery” by the late Dr. David Hawkins, psychiatrist and spiritual teacher who was responsible for creating a map of human consciousness and calibrating different levels of vibration for different emotional states.
This doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with relationships, and yet it has everything to do with relationships, especially because, in Dr. Sue Johnson’s words, emotions are the music of the dance of relationships.
Couples come to me convinced of their horrible stories they tell themselves instead of turning to each other and asking the questions they are afraid of hearing the answers to.
It’s like we sometimes prefer to live in our trap of hell because we know it, than risk opening up to something greater. (Isn’t it about time we stop that?)
Down a negative emotional spiral many people go.
Especially when your relationship foundation isn’t as sturdy as you’d like it to be.
Then your partner gives you a blank stare…
…and all you see are knives coming out of his or her eyes.
In reality, he or she is just lost in thought about what’s for dinner.
So you pay someone like me hundreds of dollars an hour to help you slow down and really ask your partner, in a soft and curious voice, “hey, are you angry about something?” instead of what you might typically do, which is of course yell back and tell them what an asshole they are.
(Hopefully not, but I’ve seen it countless times. And have been guilty of making assumptions myself.)
“Of course I’m not angry at you, I love you sweetie, I’m just thinking about what’s for dinner.”
Perception: You did something wrong. You’re in trouble. They hate you.
Essence: They’re lost in thought about dinner.
One key to remove relationship distress then is to be able to distinguish perception from Essence.
Dr. Hawkins says that you need your third eye to be opened and maybe some other stuff that many of us don’t quite grasp, but when it comes to love, it comes down to opening your heart, and opening your mouth.
Stop making assumptions.
Start having conversations.
My book will help you do that if you need a boost.
You both need to strip down your many layers of self-protective defenses, assumptions and the walls that you trap yourselves within and get real emotionally naked with each other.
When you strip down to Essence, the rest becomes easy.
You find your Power and start your flow.
Everything you need to have your best relationship you already have, you just need to remove the crap that’s in the way of it (and we can say that about ANYTHING in life).
It can take courage, risk and vulnerability, but there is power in all of that, and at the end of the day, it’s actually a LOT EASIER to JUST BE.
You only have to think for yourself and just be in your experience.
Don’t be afraid to express it. Or, if you are afraid, express it anyway. (Unless of course you are afraid of violence or abuse.)
Whatever you do, don’t try to force, contort or cut yourself off from what your feelings are.
You got this.
Cheers to thriving in business & love,