The Third Party in Your Relationship

The other night was more rough than usual with the kids.

The girl had a cough, wasn’t sleeping, and was crying.

The boy was a bit inconsolable as well, and said the next day that he was upset because she was upset (He can be so sweet.  But we weren’t feeling it in the middle of the night).

My man and I were tired the next day.

Sometimes it’s tempting to just give up and not bother. Eat a pound of chocolate, drink a case of wine, eat ice cream for dinner and call it a day.

But we made the most of it, and went for a run with our ginormous double jogger.

It’s really nice when the kids are strapped down. I love feeling free and moving my arms and legs without having to hold anyone sometimes.

And I looked at my man pushing those two hellions as we jogged along the path and said to him, with a look of determination in my eyes and feeling of victory and hope in my heart, “It’s us against them.”

And that’s the attitude you need to take when there’s a third party in your relationship to tear you down:

Us against them.

We tell my son that he’s our best friend. Then when he’s not looking, we reassure each other that we’re best friends, actually.

In all honesty, I can’t imagine loving anything more than those two little beings, but their cuteness and love for you is how they get you.

You have got to be sure to put your relationship with your partner FIRST, especially when something else enters the scene, whether it’s a baby, a puppy or a business.

It’s far too easy to forget how important it is to keep your partner #1 when something seemingly “more important” enters the picture.

Speaking of puppies…

Since taking my practice online, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing lots of couples who get puppies.

So cute.

Not so cute when puppy has your shoe, puppy pees in the corner, or puppy keeps you up all night.

Not cute when you’re paying me for my time and the puppy tries to take over.

The kinds of people I work with are busy too, and tend to pile on a lot so that their stress threshold doesn’t always leave that much room for more.

The problem is that puppies (or babies or businesses) then cause a divide.

When we get stressed out about things, we turn against ourselves, and then we turn against each other.

We tell ourselves a negative story about us when we feel out of control.

I know for me I tell myself that I haven’t got parenting right because I haven’t figured out how to make kids sleep, and I can’t be bothered or tortured with “sleep training,” and I wonder, should I?

(No, thanks.)

Then I’m feeling helpless or scared or out of control on some level and maybe freak out at my partner because HE hasn’t figured it out either and is getting it all wrong too!

And … what does he think of me? That I’m a shitty mother? A shitty wife? That we never should have done this whole kids thing or dare I say MARRIAGE thing?

Down the dark rabbit hole of insanity.

I don’t even consciously register those thoughts but I’m sure in the perilous moments of sleepless insanity I’ve gone there.

How about you?

Have you got a puppy or a baby or a business that is hard to keep in check sometimes?

Have you let it get in the way of your relationship?

These babies, puppies and businesses are actually huge gifts for your relationship.

They’ll challenge you like nothing else, and like any stress on any system, will either cause you to break down, or reorganize yourselves in a new, more sophisticated way.

Let the third party in your relationship test your strength with each other, and hopefully allow you to create an even stronger foundation.

Allow the stress of whatever it is that you’re dealing with help you call into question the crazy things you might be telling yourself, and start telling them to your partner instead.

Don’t let whatever negative story you have going on dictate your emotions without examining it.

Check it out against your partner’s reality.

Always remember it’s YOU against THEM when THEY start trying to challenge YOU.

Only then can you integrate in a way that works for everyone.

Take care of yourself.

Take care of your partner.

Help your partner take care of you.

While also doing the obvious and taking care of that third party in your relationship.

Cheers to thriving in business and love, with or without babies & puppies,