If you’ve never read the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, you’ll want to check it out.
In his words,
We have an inner thermostat that determines the amount of love and success we allow ourselves. When we exceed our setting, we tend to sabotage ourselves so that we can return to the old, familiar zone where we feel secure. The thermostat was set before you could think for yourself, usually in early childhood.
If you’re working on up-leveling any area of your life:
You’re most likely going to hit an “upper limit problem.” This is true in business and true in love.
What’s an upper limit problem?
Basically, an upper limit problem is a wall we hit when we are about to reach a new level.
You experience great financial success? You make a terrible investment.
You break into a new career and feel amazing about it in ways unknown? You get sick.
You sign that famous client on? You botch it up somehow.
You’re about to run that marathon you’ve never dreamed was possible? You screw up your knee.
1-month into my relationship with my now husband, feeling so in love and on top of the world, I totaled my car.
And by the way – I’ve been told I’m a good driver – I would like to think I’m not just among the 95% who feel they’re in the top 50% of drivers. It was my only accident; I believe it was definitely an upper limit problem.
Anyway, you get the drift.
How does this apply to your relationship?
I can share with you how it’s applied to couples I’ve worked with who have been working hard to up-level their relationships, and perhaps you’ll resonate.
They put the time, effort and work in, and they’re busting through to what Gay Hendricks calls their zones of genius in their relationships, and then—-BOOM! Enter upper limit problem.
To break through to the next level of intimacy in a relationship, more vulnerability, risk and faith in your partner is required than ever before.
This is especially difficult for couples who haven’t experienced the new level of love they’re both so desperately seeking.
It’s almost like people can’t stand it when things are going well for too long, at first, anyway.
Old guards of supposed protection will arise and protect you from really believing this is real.
Because if it’s not real, and you’re being duped into thinking it’s real during this limited period of bliss, it’s going to be devastating when you find out it wasn’t to be trusted.
So then partners unconsciously start testing the waters with each other, asking,
How real is this?
One might get more snarky, the other might withdraw a bit…each of us has our go-to moves.
What’s so sad is that this starts happening usually before the secure new foundation of a zone-of-genius-relationship has a chance to even settle.
And then that period of bliss ends, and you have trouble believing you could ever have it again.
You experience an upper limit problem.
The good news, though, is that for most of us, they are bound to happen.
The best success is usually right around the corner from temporary defeat.
Here’s the thing:
You can experience that relationship bliss.
It may not feel safe because you’re scared of losing it, but I challenge you to relax into the moment and enjoy it, every moment you receive of it.
When we’re truly in the present, we wipe out anxiety and worry, which is always about the future or the past.
So be present in your bliss and blow through that upper limit problem.
What upper limit problem will you defeat this week? Let me know in the comments!
Cheers to your best relationship,