In this video, Anthony Robbins discusses with Oprah 4 different levels of ways to love.
We can all be lovers at each level at different times, but the question he asks is:
Where is your center of gravity?
The four levels of love are as follows:
1.) Baby Love
A.K.A. “I’ll love you if you give me what I want/need.” (And if you don’t, I’ll scream and make your life a living hell.)
2.) Horse-Trading Love
A.K.A. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” He basically says this is how whoring works (check out Oprah’s expression when he says this), regardless of your sex.
3.) Real Love
A.K.A. “I love you no matter what.” Inherent in this love is forgiveness, understanding, and perhaps it is unconditional. This is how we would like to feel about our partners and our families.
4.) Spiritual Love
A.K.A. Pure love. Think Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi, The Dalai Lama. This is when we love everyone and everything, our enemies included, and are basically the essence of love.
The question then becomes how do we climb the love ladder?
How do we at least become level 3 lovers, and can we aspire to become level 4 lovers? How do we emanate pure love without getting hurt, abused or destroyed? These are big questions.
For now, let’s tackle baby love.
If you find yourself spending most of your time in the baby love zone, my bet is that those early needs you did have as a baby were never consistently met. So you’re always left screaming and asking for more. It’s never been okay for you to trust that you’ll be taken care of fully. Perhaps it’s hard to be satisfied by your partner or trust that they will be there for you, even when they are.
If those early needs weren’t met, it’s really important for you to understand on a deep emotional level that it’s not your fault.
This may be a struggle in itself to achieve.
Even though it’s not your fault, it IS your responsibility to get those needs met.
As humans, we’re wired to connect with each other.
And we basically get basic emotional needs met through other people.
We cannot do it ourselves.
It’s simply not how we’re made!
As children and adults, we always have the need for safe and secure emotional connections to people in our lives.
If we didn’t get those needs met as a child, they become a bit amplified when we enter adulthood.
And we are more likely to fall into that baby love zone, which really isn’t a pleasure for anyone.
So check yourself and be self-aware. That self-awareness alone, in Tony Robbins’ words, “is one of the rarest of human commodities.”
Ask yourself what level of lover you are today.
Once you’ve got that answer, you’re halfway there.
If 9 times out of 10 you’re in the baby love zone and you can’t break out with the help of your partner or a close friend, find someone else to support you as you try to climb the levels of love.
It’s ironic, but you often need to feel taken care of in order to take care of yourself, and then open yourself up to others taking care of you again.
So when that’s not happening in your life, short circuit the vicious cycle of you being stuck in the baby love zone and not getting your real needs met, and take the first step toward taking care of yourself by calling a therapist if no one else in your life can help.
To find out how to select a therapist that’s right for you, click here.
That’s your first step toward scaling the levels of love.
Unless you are a genius baby who can read and understand this post, let’s break out of the baby love zone and aim for level 3 or higher. The world will thank us for it.
And we can thank Mr. Robbins.
Cheers to your best relationship,