Got a personal issue or trouble in your relationship?
An easy way to ruin your relationship is to keep all of your trouble to yourself.
Let’s talk about 2 kinds of trouble and tackle each separately:
1.) Your personal troubles – unrelated to the relationship
If you are reluctant to ever “burden” others with your trouble and you are in a committed relationship, it’s time to start changing that. Surrender your need to always have it together and let your partner be there for you.
It’s actually a gift to them.
Seriously, we all want to feel needed and valued. By leaning on your partner in distressful times, you are showing them that you trust them and value them. Further, connection soothes and heals most trouble, so you’re giving them the opportunity to help you.
All of this likely feels good to them.
I believe its in our nature as humans to want to help each other, particularly those we care most about.
So…be vulnerable and stop carrying the weight of the world yourself. Let them in.
As the quote says, trouble is a part of your life. Hopefully not too big a part, but I can guarantee that if you don’t know how to rely on your partner for support in an effective way during the times that are troubled, you be stuck with your trouble alone, and will not have the kind of deep and fulfilling relationship that you deserve and desire.
You are doing nobody any favors by keeping all of your problems to yourself.
We are not meant to do this whole thing called “life” alone.
2. Now let’s talk about trouble in your relationship, particularly if you feel like your partner thinks everything is okay
In my practice working with couples I’ve noticed that one partner tends to be more sensitive or attuned to relationship problems than the other. Over time, with one partner being dissatisfied, I can guarantee the other will catch on, but in the initial stages of relationship trouble, one partner may be more aware of it than the other.
It’s important to realize this:
If one partner is dissatisfied in the relationship, that’s a relationship problem.
If your partner is dissatisfied, that’s your problem! Much like if YOU are dissatisfied in the relationship, that’s your partner’s problem.
I’m emphasizing this because I see so many people try to deny that there’s a problem or blame themselves for not being satisfied in their relationships. They try to lie to themselves about how they really feel, stuff what they want to say under a rug, and this only turns out to bite them in the ass.
The best advice I can give you is to always be honest with yourself so you can access your truth. And share it accordingly.
A committed relationship is like an ultra marathon. Waaaaaay longer than 26.2 miles and you’re running it together.
I often liken relationship problems to tiny pebbles in your shoes. At first, it seems like they’re no problem. You don’t want to slow down to shake out your shoe and waste the time.
A few miles in, you might start to feel them. And a few more miles in, and you’ve got a ripped up and bloody foot. If you don’t do something about it, since you’re running an ultra marathon, you’re going to be in trouble.
If the pebbles are in your shoe and not your partner’s, they will still effect your partner. (And they’re probably in your partner’s shoe too, they just aren’t as acutely aware of them).
If you DON’T say something or do something about this trouble, not only will the two of you experience a widening gulf between you, but also – you may wind up on different planets.
The sooner you can express your concern and NOT dismiss it, the more likely you can get through it together.
The moral of the story is as the quote states:
“Trouble is part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.” – Dinah Shore
I get it. No one wants to face the hard stuff in life.
But it’s the hard stuff that also draws people together and strengthens our connections, only if we make sure not to bear it alone.
The average couple waits through 6 years of distress before seeking help.
Don’t let that be you.
If you have pebbles in your shoes and are not yet in crisis and are not interested or ready in seeing a couples counselor, grab a free chapter of my book, Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide To Their Best Relationship so that you can stop the race for a moment, remove the pebbles, and carry on in a renewed and strengthened relationship.