Today I’m writing about what to do when it’s hard to trust your partner. I’ve been hearing about this a lot lately.
When someone tells me she can’t trust her partner, it’s either because she has a hard time trusting in general (for valid reasons, whatever they may be), her partner has betrayed her trust in some way in the past, or a combination of the two.
I then usually hear that her partner has lied to her, cheated on her or hid things from her that she later found out about, and there has been no resolution.
Many times she blames herself for not being able to forgive and move on.
She tells herself that time is supposed to heal old wounds.
Her partner might even tell her the same, and that she’s being uptight by not being able to just let it go and move on.
And she questions herself, doubts herself, tells herself that maybe she’s asking too much, and ignores the whole thing. Yet still feels miles apart from her partner, and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t trust.
If you resonate with any of this, I am shouting this to you:
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FORGIVE OR MOVE ON FROM SOMEONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP UNLESS YOU HEAL THIS TOGETHER
If you leave the relationship and are on your own with it, that’s a different story, but restoring trust within a relationship is a different ball game.
To restore trust, you need to be able to share your hurt from a vulnerable place with your partner.
Not in a guarded, accusative way, not in a “you owe me” kind of way, but in a rip-your-heart-out-of-your-chest-and-show-it-to-him-bleeding kind of way.
And THAT’S just the beginning, which, in itself is really hard to do because it takes a lot of trust that you don’t even have.
Your partner has to be there for you.
Has to HEAR you, SEE you, UNDERSTAND you and dare I say FEEL your pain.
Your partner has to show you remorse.
He should probably cry.
And apologize, deeply, whole heartedly, and mean it.
Most people don’t do this on their own because they don’t recognize how that’s what you need. They also have a hard time owning up to the fact that they caused you so much pain.
For you to stop saying, “NEVER AGAIN, I will NEVER trust you again,” your partner has got to say, “NEVER AGAIN could I ever do that to you” and RECOGNIZE the trauma that he has caused.
Far too many women I’ve been speaking with in the last couple of weeks haven’t recognized that it is OKAY and perfectly NORMAL to need this kind of empathic reassurance and remorse from their partners in order to move on and recreate a foundation together.
Sadly, it doesn’t happen enough.
It can be VERY difficult to do this on your own, which is why so many relationships fall apart.
The emotional landscape here is like thin ice, and sometimes you fall in.
Even with the help of a professional, you might fall in.
The thing is, with the help of someone who knows the terrain, you can get out of the frigid icy water without drowning.
A professional can lead you to the warmth of your partner before the gangrene sets in.
A professional can SEE that your partner DOES feel the remorse (when that’s the case), but that he can’t go there because of the fear of getting sucked into an endless shame hole that will leave him reeling in a dark pit of depression for years to come.
A professional breaks the fall into the shame hole and catches your partner before it’s too late, so that your partner can be there to catch you, so that you can heal from the wound together.
You have to feel the pain together before that happens.
Find someone you can trust to help you with this situation.
Join our Society to start, or find a qualified psychotherapist near you.
Cheers to thriving in business and love,