Holding off on getting involved with yet another relationship, because all you know is that relationships are so hard?
You get involved with all the wrong people, or become someone else once you get involved?
Perhaps you lose yourself in love.
You’re only excited by the jerks, by the ones who don’t give a hoot about you.
Maybe you disrespect the ones who do.
And you question…is there something really, really wrong with me?
So you stop bothering.
Relationships are so hard.
Or maybe it feels easier to stay in the abusive situations because those affectionate moments that you taste (less and less often) are so intoxicating and you can’t bear the thought of life without your other half.
Why is it so painful.
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear your walls down and smack you awake.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Must you be smashed in the face with a stonewall of silence, a rude awakening about a betrayal or a even a hand what you need to be smacked awake?
How did things get this way?
Your partner is a mirror, sometimes perhaps a circus mirror, but a mirror no less.
Sometimes we need a circus mirror that magnifies and makes obvious what we don’t want to see.
(Sorry in advance for the nightmares you’re about to have tonight because of this picture.)
This is why your soul mates are so important (note: plural. They need not only be romantic partners.)
If you’re having a rough time with any one of YOUR soul mates (read as: romantic partners, clients, family members, coaches, colleagues, friends…), ask yourself the following questions:
If this person continues to mistreat you, you probably don’t like it. But on what level are you okay with that? What part of you believes you should tolerate that? Why do you keep putting up with it?
If this person is completely emotionally absent in a relationship that demands emotional presence (it can be a nice touch in any relationship, even the one you have with your mechanic, but absolutely necessary in close relationships), of course you crave more connection. But in what way does that comfort you? Or ask yourself: In what way are you being absent and protecting yourself?
If this person is hiding behavior or actions from you, you will feel betrayed when you find out. How are you betraying yourself? Where did you learn that no one can be trusted?
If your partner puts you down, criticizes you and is totally skeptical about you going after your dreams and pursuing success and a life on YOUR terms, what percent of you doesn’t believe in yourself?
It may be as small as 1% but that 1% is enough to get mirrored back in the circus (refer to clown picture above).
If you are in a great deal of pain right now, telling yourself that relationships are so hard, because you aren’t fully getting your needs met, can’t seem to connect, don’t know how to get the support you need and feel completely invisible in your relationship, THAT PAIN is a teacher, your partner is a teacher, and a mirror.
That pain is your wake up call, not unlike any illness, accident or global tragedy.
But you have a golden opportunity to get real honest with yourself and undo past programming and conditioning so that you CAN be fulfilled in love.
It was once believed that if you had a rough time with relationships growing up or didn’t have good role models or a history of trauma or perhaps found yourself in the same toxic patterns over and over again…then you were screwed.
“Not relationship material,” they’d say, or you’d think about yourself.
You simply had too much baggage.
Perhaps you believe this about yourself.
The truth of the matter is that regardless of your history, you can go from struggling in relationships to thriving in love.
Brain science backs this statement up.
You take someone with a horrific history in relationships who does the work to look at themselves, change their patterns and forge adventures upon new neural territory, risk the vulnerability of trusting, maybe fall down and old familiar toxic rabbit hole and then get right back up…
They stay the course…stay in the game…stay in the ring…
It’s not always easy.
But it’s simple.
And they figure it out.
Trusting, risking, trying, daring.
Hurting, messing up, freaking out along the way. Questioning.
Trying again. And again.
And then relaxing, breathing a sigh of relief, holding onto someone and feeling cherished, connected, supported, understood, alive, and meaningful.
The way it’s supposed to be.
As humans we are wired to connect. We literally have neurons in the front of our brains (not so ironically called “mirror neurons”) that EXIST for the purpose of connection. We are a social species.
We naturally grow toward love.
So even if you feel like your love game is out of whack, with a little assistance, you can totally get it right and have a relationship that knocks your wildest dreams out of the ballpark.
Maybe this will help me illustrate my point:
My vision is not that great, so I wear glasses.
I LOVE BEING ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY!
Because of science, human intelligence, research, technology and innovation, and the spirit of discovery and improvement, humans have figured out how the eye works and how to help it see better.
I THANK GOD FOR MY GLASSES!
Because of the same factors above, we have figured out how to get love right too, for EVERYONE, not just for the lucky, and only in the past few decades, thanks to cutting edge research in the fields of neuroscience and psychology.
It is CRUCIAL that we LEARN and SHARE this NEW WAY OF LOVING to change the generations beneath us.
To become a more loving species.
To be fulfilled in a way that only love can satisfy.
To go from rotten relationships to those that are revolutionary.
To be braver, bolder, stronger and more successful and powerful innovators and agents of change.
If you are asking why are relationships so hard, I want you to take a different perspective.
Step back, look at that pain, ask yourself what the lesson is here for you, and do whatever you can to learn it and embrace it.
Create a love worth living with.
Keep staring in the face of that circus mirror and making adjustments until you like what you see.
Easy? Not necessarily.
I can show you how.
Cheers to thriving in business & love,