{"id":11137,"date":"2017-10-19T03:05:34","date_gmt":"2017-10-19T03:05:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/?p=11137"},"modified":"2017-10-19T03:05:34","modified_gmt":"2017-10-19T03:05:34","slug":"on-building-trust-and-why-assumptions-are-deadly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/on-building-trust-and-why-assumptions-are-deadly\/","title":{"rendered":"On Building Trust And Why Assumptions Are Deadly"},"content":{"rendered":"<h1 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Building Trust<\/span><\/strong><\/h1>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s no secret that one of the keys to a solid relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise, is trust.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-11138\" src=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"720\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small.png 720w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-75x75.png 75w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-500x500.png 500w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-655x655.png 655w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/warren-buffet-quote-reputation-small-180x180.png 180w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px\" \/>\u201cIt takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.\u201d &#8211; Warren Buffet<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Trust is built over time, in small moments. <\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In the business world, someone might check you or your product out, have a conversation with you, see how they feel.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They might \u201copt-in\u201d to something you have to offer for free (e.g. my newsletter \ud83d\ude42<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 simply\u00a0<\/span>add your email below if you&#8217;re not already subscribed!)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><script async id=\"_ck_274557\" src=\"https:\/\/forms.convertkit.com\/274557?v=6\"><\/script><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If they like you, they might stick around, spend more time with you, find out more about what you have to offer.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><strong>You&#8217;re building trust.<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They might hire you for a small project, and if all goes well, bring you back for something bigger and share your name with other people who can use your help.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">But if something goes wrong\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If they get a glimpse into your character and see something ugly, a lack of integrity, dishonesty or something different than the image you convey&#8230;<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">That trust is broken.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Within minutes.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">(Keep reading to hear my recent story about my recent breach of trust\u2026)<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s an even worse betrayal the deeper you get with someone.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In a romantic relationship, you give your heart to someone. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Then if they cheat on you, it is very hard work (<strong><a href=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/time-heals-all-wounds\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">that requires more than just time<\/a><\/strong>) to get over the pain to rebuild that trust.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Rebuilding trust takes courage and strength, a risk, and at times, incredible forgiveness.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You can <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/one-thing-you-must-do-to-right-your-wrong-after-an-affair\/\">read more on infidelity here<\/a><\/strong>, and it is totally possible to rebuild trust after this kind of betrayal, and create an even better relationship than you had before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For any real work, growth or expansion, in romantic, business relationships and otherwise, we must trust others, trust ourselves, and be trustworthy in general.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">This week I have been thinking about trust more than usual.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Let me tell you why.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Tuesday morning, on a beautiful crisp fall morning run with that smell of winter\u2019s hints finally in the air (you know that smokey, snowy smell I\u2019m talking about),<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>I started listening to Bren\u00e9<b>\u00a0<\/b>Brown\u2019s new book, <a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2yxN50D\"><strong><em>Braving The Wilderness.<\/em><\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I hesitated at first to read it because I felt like I could do fine with the Cliff Notes (Marie Forleo had a nice interview with her <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=A9FopgKyAfI\">here<\/a><\/strong>).<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I opened <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2zlrUwG\">Audible<\/a><\/strong> to look for a different book I couldn\u2019t find, but of course Audible, like any useful app, can read my mind and told me I want to listen to\u00a0<strong><a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2ySl1GF\"><em>Braving The Wilderness<\/em><\/a><\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">So I followed the flow and got the book.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p><em>(If you don&#8217;t already have Audible, you can actually listen to the book for free with a <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2ySl1GF\">free trial of Audible here.)<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I guess I trust Audible to know me pretty well, yet I wasn&#8217;t thinking about trust or building trust when I set out to read it. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I just wanted something to listen to on my beautiful morning run and I wanted a break from podcasts (stay tuned for mine coming soon, by the way).<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I like Bren\u00e9 Brown a lot. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I enjoy listening to her down to earth voice, the way she tells stories, and tremendously appreciate her research and shedding light on topics like shame that most people prefer to avoid.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">(The masochist that I am, on the other hand, has attended full weekend workshops on shame in the past, you can imagine how much fun 16 hours of shame is over a weekend\u2026?)<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I suggest checking her work out to people frequently.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s relatable, direct and makes sense.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I love that it&#8217;s research based (even though personally there are few things I loathe more than carrying out research, so as long as I&#8217;m not doing it, we&#8217;re good).<\/span><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s a bit intellectual, but I believe that makes it more accessible, and makes subjects that some of us might typically run from more interesting.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m always surprised when I ask people if they\u2019ve heard of her work and they say \u201cno.\u201d I became aware of her from her\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.ted.com\/talks\/brene_brown_on_vulnerability\">TED talk on Vulnerability<\/a> years ago and appreciated it so much.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Since then, she\u2019s only gotten more popular. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Personally, her work also helps me feel more connected to people in general and reminds me that at the end of the day, we\u2019re all the same messy biology trying to make sense of ourselves and the world, which can often feel confusing and difficult to understand.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I liked taking Bren\u00e9 with me on my run, and ran a surprisingly fast (for me) 8:03 minute mile 3 when she told about meeting her hero Maya Angelou after first recording a Super Soul Session with Oprah years back. (There are few things I love more than those first runs in the fall after the temperature drops.)<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I actually had to hold back tears while running for some reason because it was such an emotional moment that she was describing in meeting Dr. Angelou (even listening to the book on 1.5X speed).<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">But I wonder if my tangent away from the point of trust is eroding yours in me?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Trust me, I\u2019ll get back to trust\u2026<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If your trust in me is starting to erode, allow me to try to rebuild it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">One key component of trust is doing what you say you\u2019re going to do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m going to write about trust.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Dr. Brown speaks about <em>\u201cThe Anatomy of Trust\u201d<\/em> in her book and I wanted to share it with you as I think it can be extremely helpful if you\u2019re like me and just want the Cliff Notes at times.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">She uses the acronym \u201cBRAVING\u201d to list different components of trust:<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Let&#8217;s go through each, because I think they&#8217;re helpful:<\/span><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>\n<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">B &#8211; Boundaries: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You need to respect yours and mine, and I\u2019ll respect yours and mine too. We also need to be clear about what they are.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">R &#8211; Reliable: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do what you say you\u2019re going to do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I think we can all think of people who are reliably unreliable. That\u2019s not the kind of reliability I\u2019m talking about. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It&#8217;s simple: do what you say, be reliable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>And for the love of all things holy (this is Jenev talking now), show up when you say you will (I recognize my cultural bias here, but I really appreciate timeliness since I so value our time and follow a schedule).<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">A &#8211; Accountable: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If and perhaps more certainly <em>when<\/em> either of us makes a mistake, we\u2019ll own it and take responsibility. We\u2019ll be accountable for ourselves. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">V &#8211; Vault: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Keep my confidence. I&#8217;ll keep yours. And keep others\u2019 confidence. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Don\u2019t bond over what Dr. Brown calls \u201ccommon enemy intimacy.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Raising my hand here, I&#8217;ve done it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">As nice as it is to feel \u201cincluded\u201d at times, ultimately bonding over gossip or someone else\u2019s private material erodes trust in all ways and always.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I &#8211; Integrity:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Her definition of integrity goes like this:<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">\u201cChoosing courage over comfort, choosing what&#8217;s right over what&#8217;s fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">N &#8211; Non-judgment:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s okay for you to struggle and ask for help. It\u2019s okay for me to struggle and ask for help. I don\u2019t judge you for it and I don\u2019t judge me for it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Bren\u00e9\u00a0Brown points out that it\u2019s a lot easier for many of us to give help, but not so much to receive it. We judge ourselves when we need help. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">That erodes trust, because ultimately, if you judge you? You judge me.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>(Remember, our world is a <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/step-it-up-in-love-for-massive-success-in-business\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">giant mirror<\/a><\/strong>.)<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">G &#8211; Generosity: <\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">To be truly building trust in your relationship (and it is a process), you need to be generous in your interpretation of someone and their intentions. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I want to talk about generosity of assumption for a bit because it comes up for me both professionally and personally almost daily.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Before doing so, however, I also want to point out that I don\u2019t think any of us are perfect at B-R-A-V-I-N-G all the time, even if we would like to think we are.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I know for myself, I screw up all the time.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p><em>(More on that and how I broke someone&#8217;s trust in a bit.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m guilty of going back on my word, gossiping, choosing comfort over courage, and even though one of my superpowers is to be more curious than judging with the best of them, my default can sometimes be a not nice judge on the inside, if I\u2019m not paying close enough attention.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019ll also mention that I believe what builds trust that is not mentioned here is emotional connection. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Real presence. Attunement. I could go on (and have gone on, and will go on) about the importance of that, but for now, I felt it was important to mention that true and authentic emotional connection takes the cake in the creation of solid relationships and building of trust.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I believe the real question is:<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Can I really see you and trust you to see me, and do I matter enough to you for you to suspend your stories to really look at me and listen to me?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Am I important enough to you for you to do that with me?<\/p>\n<p>We all just want to be seen, known and valued.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">And this relates to that G for Generosity in rebuilding trust.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It is easy for us humans to go to a \u201cworst case scenario\u201d story out of self-protection, after all, that kind of wiring to be hypervigilant about what\u2019s wrong is partially what we can thank for our survival today<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Ultimately, however, this \u201cworst case scenario\u201d it is no longer as necessary from a biological standpoint as it was thousands of years ago when it had its place in our evolutionary history. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Today, I believe that sort of tendency to assume the worst and worry, while it had its place in our history and survival, ultimately is what is responsible for massive amounts of destruction &#8211; intrapersonally, interpersonally and globally.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You\u2019ve heard that statement about how stress is connected to all disease, I\u2019m sure. That&#8217;s part of what I&#8217;m talking about.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><strong>Don&#8217;t even get me started on war.<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So to evolve positively and into a more compassionate world (which I\u2019m hungry for and I bet you are as well) that we can feel good about passing onto our children and theirs and so on, we need to be generous in our interpretations of each other.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">This G for Generosity is what stood out to me as one of the most difficult things I see couples face with each other particularly after breaches of trust. <\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">It can feel risky, unsafe, and sometimes, downright foolish.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Honestly?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Sometimes it is.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How do you know when to be generous with your interpretation and when to protect yourself?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">These are good questions, but unless you are in an emotionally or physically violent relationship (which, unfortunately, are more common than we might believe), chances are, you default to self-protective \u201cworst case scenario\u201d stories that might ultimately be sabotaging your chances of building trust and connection with your partner and anyone else.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><strong><span class=\"s1\">(If you suspect you might be in an emotionally or physically violent relationship, I urge you to get some confidential help.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><strong><span class=\"s1\">Head on over to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s2\">www.thehotline.com<\/span><\/a> to find that support.)<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you are not in a domestically violent relationship, try extending the benefit of the doubt instead of automatically assuming negative intent.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Check in with the person to see where they intend to be coming from.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Try to connect &#8211; essence to essence.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">That means identifying, then surrendering or at least offering your story.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s a risky and vulnerable thing to do if you\u2019ve been hurt to say, \u201couch, that hurt me, did you mean to just hurt me like that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">After all, what if they say, \u201cyeah I meant to hurt you, and take this while you\u2019re down!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">That would hurt even more.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">(Sadly, that is what you might be dealing with if you are in a violent relationship, so instead, consider getting immediate confidential support with that, at a site such as <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">www.thehotline.org<\/a>)<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In a way, with whatever story you are telling yourself, you may be trying to preserve and protect what connection may be there, but in so doing you are shutting down the opportunity for a deeper connection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The real generosity comes in when you are willing to suspend your stories of self-protection in the name of seeing things from the other&#8217;s perspective and seeing their true essence and not the one that you think you see.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So simple and yet not easy especially when there has been hurt and pain.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">More times than not, we skip that step and misinterpret each other in those moments.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">In efforts to rebuild trust, it erodes.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I see it happen before my eyes all the time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">And in fact, upon getting back from my run on that beautiful crisp Tuesday morning, I experienced it myself.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I received an email from someone I didn&#8217;t know on my mailing list.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>And they blasted me.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I broke this person&#8217;s trust.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Divine Timing, Audible, in suggesting that book an hour before I got this email?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I believe so.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s what happened:<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I got this angry email, and was accused of taking someone\u2019s money and not providing what I said I would and they were disgusted.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I? Was horrified.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I felt that familiar and unpleasant rush of blood and sympathetic nervous system activation that rendered me a bit useless for a few minutes.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For 10 uncomfortable seconds or so I felt defensive, and then I realized, they may be right.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I messed up.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">And then I felt even worse.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I completely lost their trust.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Understandably so.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In the grand scheme of things, it was not a huge deal and I would like to think our \u201crelationship\u201d was repaired after a few emails of explanation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">However, her initial reaction was disgust.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">She was disgusted with me. <\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Yuck. Speaking of shame&#8230;<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">She paid me for something she did not receive.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Turns out, this led me to discover that I was having technical glitches and had no idea people were buying my ebook in the past few weeks, but for almost 2 weeks, sales were going through and for some reason they were going to a non-existent place.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Folks weren\u2019t receiving the books.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">She believed I totally scammed her out of $18.97, understandably so.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So very thankfully, my team was on it right away, the issue was resolved and we were able to recover the names of people who bought the ebook and I sent them over (if you were one of them, look out for an email from me!!!).<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Though this was a casualty of technology, it was still my fault, something on my site wasn\u2019t working, I take full responsibility.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m SO grateful that she spoke up and dropped me a line.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Even from her \u201cstory\u201d of me being some kind of online slime ball scam artist, she was at least trusting enough to speak her mind and let me know that\u2019s how she felt.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>She extended the olive branch.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In a bit of a rage, she acted from that 1% chance in her mind (whether she was aware of it or not) that maybe I do have a heart and am not someone who just wants to take her money, but actually have something of value (I\u2019d like to think) in exchange for her dollars.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">She gave me a chance.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The best chance any of us can get:<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">To rebuild trust.<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>She was angry, understandably so, but at the same time, she was generous enough to let me in to her experience.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">There were others who said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I don\u2019t know if they thought they did something wrong and didn\u2019t receive the download or they didn&#8217;t care or they were just busy or if they thought I was just a scam artist or whatever, but I didn\u2019t hear from them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Technology turned on us and she forged a connection despite that.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">She allowed me to rebuild trust with her, and hopefully as a result of her speaking up, I was able to with the others who I let down as well.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-11140\" src=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1024\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up.png 1024w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-768x768.png 768w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-75x75.png 75w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-500x500.png 500w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-655x655.png 655w, https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/people-are-hard-to-hate-close-up-180x180.png 180w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>At the end of the day, breaches of trust are tremendous opportunities to rebuild trust.<\/p>\n<p>Moments of conflict and confusion allow us to slow things down, figure out what happened in reality between us, and share stories of what&#8217;s happened within us.<\/p>\n<h4><strong>The challenge is to get up close and take a look.<\/strong><\/h4>\n<blockquote><p><strong><em>&#8220;People are hard to hate close up.&#8221; &#8211;<span class=\"s1\">Bren\u00e9<\/span> Brown<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>You can&#8217;t get close if your story is in your own way, and you don&#8217;t give them a chance.<\/p>\n<p>Extend the benefit of the doubt even if it feels easier at times to discard, run with your assumptions, and move on.<\/p>\n<p>I believe it&#8217;s an easier and more compassionate way to live, and a fantastic way to rebuild trust.<\/p>\n<h4><strong>What do you believe?<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>Let me know in the comments how you have rebuild trust in relationships &#8211; you&#8217;ll never know who you&#8217;ll be helping.<\/p>\n<p>Thanks for reading, and here&#8217;s to your best relationships,<\/p>\n<p>Jenev<\/p>\n<p><script async id=\"_ck_274557\" src=\"https:\/\/forms.convertkit.com\/274557?v=6\"><\/script><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Building Trust It\u2019s no secret that one of the keys to a solid relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise, is trust. \u201cIt takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.\u201d &#8211; Warren Buffet Trust is built over time, in small moments. In the business world, someone might check you or [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":11140,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[89,48,50,62,58,54,76,60,83,64,90,51,68,55,69,67,70],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>On Building Trust And Why Assumptions Are Deadly - My Best Relationship - Dr. Jenev Caddell<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/on-building-trust-and-why-assumptions-are-deadly\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"On Building Trust And Why Assumptions Are Deadly - My Best Relationship - Dr. Jenev Caddell\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Building Trust It\u2019s no secret that one of the keys to a solid relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise, is trust. \u201cIt takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.\u201d &#8211; Warren Buffet Trust is built over time, in small moments. 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