{"id":5585,"date":"2016-11-02T22:07:31","date_gmt":"2016-11-03T02:07:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/?p=5585"},"modified":"2016-11-02T22:07:31","modified_gmt":"2016-11-03T02:07:31","slug":"the-pain-of-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybestrelationship.com\/the-pain-of-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"The Pain of Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"
Yesterday, my former best friend who moved to England when I was 7, celebrated a birthday somewhere in the world (we lost touch as children decades ago, and yes, I have a bit of a steel trap memory for dates).<\/span><\/p>\n My little heart broke when she left.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n I felt the pain of loss.<\/span><\/p>\n I remember my mother telling me that my friend\u2019s mother had written her a letter (remember when people did that?) and said that my friend was \u201cdevastated\u201d missing me. And I remember feeling some satisfaction in that (not just in learning a new word). While perhaps a bit twisted that I felt strangely glad that my friend was devastated, it confirmed to me that I mattered to her.<\/span><\/p>\n This friendship ending has been on my mind more than usual lately because my little boy recently went through something similar when his friend switched schools. I wrote about it here<\/a><\/strong>. <\/span><\/p>\n He had a hard time going back to school after his friend left. They were tight. I let him know his friend was sad and missed him too, I was sure of it. He smiled a bit at the thought. <\/span><\/p>\n It confirmed to him that he mattered to his friend.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n John Bowlby was a pioneer in the field of psychology, and the father of attachment theory. Attachment theory is based on the notion that we are wired for connection to each other, and while today it is widely recognized as significant for children to have emotional and physical needs met by at least one caregiver in order to thrive, it was a revolutionary concept in its day. Today, those needs are recognized as being significant not only for children but for adults as well.<\/span><\/p>\n We have emotional needs for safe and close connections with each other, in Bowlby\u2019s words, which were rejected in his time: \u201cfrom the cradle to the grave.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n His work on attachment theory is now applied to adults, especially to our understanding of romantic relationships. Much of what I write about on this blog and the work of Emotionally Focused Therapy<\/a> for couples is largely based on this work.<\/span><\/p>\n When we have safe and secure connections to each other, we are better off in everything that we do. But it can be scary to open up and fully trust another, because the closer we let someone get to us, the more painful it might be when the connection is severed.<\/span><\/p>\n