Need a relationship revival?
Today I’m going to share a quick and easy conversation to have together that will do just that:
Revive Your Relationship
This conversation to have with each other is not something I learned about in graduate school or in my post-doctoral training to become a couples therapist.
I also suggest that the couples I work with do this on a regular basis, ESPECIALLY when we are wrapping up our work together.
The Power of a Meta-Conversation
Have you ever heard of a meta-conversation? It is essentially when you step outside of something and discuss it.
It’s kind of akin to “working on your business” as opposed to just working in your business.
When you and your partner are able to take a step outside of your relationship and discuss the conversations you may have within it, you are engaging in a meta-conversation.
Being able to have such conversations are key if you wish to enjoy strong communication and a deep connection.
The 10-Minute Conversation You Need To Be Having
The 10-minute conversation that could revive your relationship is essentially a meta-conversation. It’s a step back, where you ask each other about the state of affairs in your relationship.
So, once a week, Jack Canfield said in an interview I heard a few years ago, he sits down with his wife and they ask each other, “how are we doing this week on a scale of 1-10?”
In other words, with 10 as the best relationship ever and 1 as an indicator that you’ve both spoken to attorneys and the divorce is underway, where do you stand this week?
The answers may surprise you
This conversation serves as a perfect grounds for airing out complaints and miscommunications so that you can both show up for each other more fully and understand each other better.
Sometimes you do things to each other or say things that may rub your partner wrong way, and sometimes you can create stories in your mind about what this or that means, and quite frequently, they are worst case scenario stories and completely inaccurate.
With the speed of technology and communication getting more rapid, we are communicating in more and more truncated ways through text messages and sentences that are acronyms (WTF!) We need more than an emoticon to express ourselves and to actually listen to each other.
Perhaps more notably, you and your partner are also constantly doing things RIGHT in our relationships that are appreciated by each other, but you may not be aware of it. The more you attend to those positive exchanges and TELL each other about them (dare I say THANK each other), the more you’ll see of them.
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is ASSUMING their partners know how they feel. Don’t do it!
The question that leads to more questions
Once you get a response from your partner that, say, your relationship is at a “6” in their eyes, despite you feeling like it was more like an “8,” you can find out why it’s NOT an “8” or even better, a “10,” according to your partner.
“I just wish we had more time together,” they might say.
“I really didn’t like that you RSVP’d to that event without checking with me first,” perhaps.
Who knows, but what’s important, is that YOU know.
It’s important that you both give yourselves and your relationship the time and space to look at this stuff because then you can get on the same page.
Maybe you’ll be relieved to hear that according to your partner, things are at a 9, when meanwhile you were nervous you ticked off your partner the night before because of that strange look in their eye. You know what assuming does to u and me…clear the air!
This kind of “conversation starter” is an easy one to implement and automate even for the busiest of couples.
Sunday at breakfast
Breakfast on Sundays is a great time to have this conversation. Of course, it can be any time, but it’s important that you keep up with it consistently.
It’s not difficult to do, and can yield a ton of great information to help you both connect more deeply and become better versions of yourselves for each other.
Here’s to your latest relationship “hack” that can revive your relationship,
P.S. Try it out and let me know how it goes in the comments!