Do you have a passionate hobby or something of the sort that your partner just can’t seem to get behind you on?
Whether it’s your career, a hobby, or a friend that you just plain adore, your partner might loathe something that is close to your heart.
Gentlemen, perhaps football?
Why do you think this is?
Many of you with a partner who doesn’t support that thing you love so much might fall into the trap of worrying about whether you are with the right person because they just can’t seem to support you.
You may think that they are so selfish, not being able to support you in the one area of your life that you are passionate about.
In reality, if this is the one area in life that you are passionate about, you have a much bigger problem than your partner just being selfish.
Because your first priority and your first passion should be your relationship.
The New Science of Love has proven that we are stronger, healthier and plain old better off when we have safe and secure relationships. Our relationships are as important to our wellbeing as it gets. It’s crucial to have them at the top on our list of priorities.
We know our need for safe and secure relationships on an innate level.
It is in our bones.
The sad part is that despite this truth that is wired into us, we aren’t really taught from the beginning how important relationships are.
In fact, many of us have been brought up on values of independence and autonomy (check out the blog from last week to read more on that) that contradict that wired in truth that we are born to connect.
So when you, the person your partner loves, seem to be obsessed with something else, and in your partner’s eyes you therefore don’t seem to care so much about them, problems arise.
They may not even be able to identify that they yearn for your attention, but they might grow resentful of whatever that thing is that you are so passionate about.
When this primal need to be certain that someone else is there for us goes unmet, we sometimes have trouble articulating that because of all we have been indoctrinated with about independence and autonomy.
When we can’t say what we need, we often don’t get it.
Partners aren’t mind readers.
As a result of this unmet need, distance, resentment and animosity can creep up between partners.
Slight discomforts stemming from this primal need not getting met build over time, and sometimes boil over into an all out blow out with the slightest trigger. You may be baffled as to why your partner is lashing out so much just because you want to go to your art studio or turn on the game.
It’s probably because on some level, they’re feeling neglected, and would give anything to feel as important to you as your hobby.
If there’s any chance to them that your passion takes priority over them, even if you think they come first, the relationship is insecure to them. That is simply a difficult place to be, and will likely result in them being more on edge, anxious and perhaps hostile.
So, what to do?
Make sure they know they’re number 1. If they’re not, get your relationship in a better place, or find someone else. Couples therapy can help; so can match.com.
If they are number 1 indeed, the rest is easy. Reassure them, make time for them, and remind them how they are the most important part of your life.
We all need reminders from time to time.
Put your relationship first, make sure your partner knows they’re number 1, and unless you’re doing something they morally or ethically disapprove of, my bet is that they’ll back you no matter what.
Cheers to your best relationship,
T White says
Thank you so much for this helpful piece of advice.
I honestly thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong by wanting to go in the garage and spend time in my studio.
Now I see that until I make more time for my wife instead of making her feel unwanted, she will never support my hobbies.
I always blamed her for not being supportive but now I realise it is me in the wrong and she just wants to be given the same if not more attention than my other “passion”.
I love her with all my heart but I obviously need to make sure she knows that she is the most important thing in my life and my hobbies will always be 2nd.
I’m going through a same thing too. I take approx 2hrs per day with Mt hobby (Music Production) and my wife constantly begrudges me. I work 38 hrs per week and she doesn’t work. During my work time she’s off doing what she wants to do…visiting her family friends her hobbies too and we worked out that she spends as much hobby time as I do but I have to work and she doesn’t.
By the way, I encouraged her to take up her hobbies as her last relationship wouldn’t allow for it.