Something doesn’t feel right in your relationship? Feeling stuck and disconnected?
As a successful person this is not your norm.
You want to live fully and a connected and satisfying relationship is part of that.
Yet something’s not working.
What to do?
Quit blaming yourself, first of all. Few have learned to get this area right, and even fewer have had good role models.
Nearly everything society tells us about love is way off base.
Even the field of psychology until recently had love all wrong.
The idea had been: We are ultimately alone. We must be able to take care of ourselves. At one point, even kids were thought of as little self-sufficient beings who just needed food and shelter to survive.
Science has disproven this notion in the last few decades, and points to how interconnected and interdependent we all are.
How did we, as a species, get so off course with our idea about relationships, love and separateness?
Perhaps these ideas are a reflection of anyone’s natural reaction to separations and trauma that undeniably have occurred and do occur on the regular.
The natural reaction may be to pull in, constrict, hold one’s self apart from the rest, protect and erect boundaries.
It is a self-preserving reaction based on fear.
But it’s preserving a self that is believed to be separate when in reality it is ultimately connected.
We all know how deceptive perceptions can be.
The earth is not flat, after all. Let’s not even start about astronomy (clearly there is more to discover there as well).
But back to the point.
What do you do when you feel stuck and disconnected in love?
Understand that we’ve gotten love all wrong and discover how to get it right.
The foundation of love is built upon emotional safety, responsiveness and connection.
To truly emotionally connect, one must surrender. Be vulnerable. Admit one’s ultimate fragility as a mere human in a big and sometimes seemingly unforgiving world.
This is hard for many successful people to do.
We like to have it all together. Have our plan and execute it. Set clear goals and accomplish them. Enjoy our stupidly high standards and scratch our heads when we try to understand people who wind up so far from meeting them.
It can be really hard to access that uncertain, unclear, somewhat helpless part of ourselves that once accessed and shared can glue to people together.
To loosen the grip on our lives that we have so perfectly held together.
To say, “please take care of this for me,” or “please take care of me.”
Some people are forced to do this through illness or tragedy.
Others are forced by facing the ultimate disconnect and sense of stuckness in their relationship.
As someone here to live life full on, a thriving relationship is obviously part of that.
But to achieve that, it requires a kind of surrender that one who is used to playing all out and going after it all may not be comfortable with.
That is your challenge, then.
To recognize those old ways of doing things that may work great in certain scenarios but are pinching you off from truly living fully in all areas of your life.
Loosen your grip.
Submit to the uncertainty.
And enjoy the ride.
P.S. Ready to deepen your love, dive in and really understand YOURSELF more and how you show up in love so that you can truly create a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with your partner?
If you’re willing to do the work together, find an Emotionally Focused couples therapist. CLICK HERE for a listing of qualified professionals in your area.
If you’re not interested in therapy and would prefer to do a self-study with my support in an ongoing online group program, check out Revolutionize Your Love – we have an ongoing program that I would love for you to join if you’re ready to truly get clear in this area of your life, and get unstuck and re-connected.