Think your partner’s having an affair?
This post is for you.
Secrecy, mysterious disappearances, suddenly deleted cell phone history, more and more time spent away from home, fake or double social media accounts – these are all possible signs that your partner may be having an affair.
This post is not about signs that your partner is having an affair, however.
You’re smart enough to do your detective work (after all, here you are reading this post), and perhaps you haven’t found any convincing evidence that your partner is indeed having an affair.
But still, you can’t help but think your partner’s having an affair.
Most of you knows better, that you have nothing to worry about, but there’s this part of you that just can’t let go and trust.
Sadly you know a blog post can’t tell you whether your partner is having an affair.
But I’m going to go with the assumption that your partner is NOT having an affair, because all too often I see all couples in trouble seeking help in which both are being faithful and one thinks their partner’s having an affair.
The fastest way to disconnect (which you may have already discovered) is by repeatedly accusing your partner of having an affair.
Repeated accusations will undoubtedly frustrate your partner to no end, give them the message you don’t understand them, will cause them to question your respect for them and may even inspire suspicion that you’re cheating.
So what do you do?
My suggestion is that you get crystal clear about where these doubts are coming from.
One (very likely) possibility is the following:
Your heart has been broken in the past by someone who has cheated on you (this partner or not).
When that happened, even if it was decades ago, some part of you may have built a wall around your heart to protect it and said:
“NEVER AGAIN will I put myself in that situation.”
“NEVER AGAIN will I be so vulnerable.”
“NEVER AGAIN will I open myself up to the possibility of so much pain.”
“NEVER AGAIN will I be so foolish, naive, gullible (fill in the blank).”
And so that part of you just can’t let go of the thought that your partner is having an affair, even if there’s zero truth to it.
In emotional terms, it simply feels safer to stay in that space of distrust than surrender and do the thing you said you’d never allow yourself to do.
If any part of you resonates with any of this on any level, my invitation to you is this:
Have a look at that.
Ask yourself if it makes sense that you are still playing by the rules you set in stone for yourself after your heart was broken however many years ago.
Ask yourself if you’re willing to take another risk on love.
If you’re not willing to risk, don’t even bother.
But if you are, like so many who have gone before you and so many who will come after you, then recognize that your fear of your partner cheating is likely just that: Fear.
Fear of losing them.
Fear of having your heart broken.
Fear of feeling small and unimportant. Unworthy.
You don’t likely have evidence that your partner is cheating on you, but you are guarding your heart with whatever you’ve got because that fear will do whatever it can to protect you.
Ask yourself if you really need the protection, or if you can take the risk in love.
Instead of accusing your partner of cheating, risk vulnerability by letting them know how scary this is simply because you care about them so much.
The antidote to your fear is connection.
There is no better way to create a deeper connection than to simply be real with your partner.
Take the risk of opening yourself up for reassurance.
It may not feel as safe as throwing accusations around, but wouldn’t you rather be connected?
Let me know in the comments how it goes.